Cats know the Jedi mind trick

July 16, 2009

So there’s a report saying that cats are very good manipulators of humans, specifically how they use a small cry while purring to get their owners to do what they want, like feed them.

“Oh yeah, I use that all the time,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Marlie can’t resist it, even when drunk.  I rub against her leg, purr, and let out a little meow and she just melts.  Does that weird thing that baby talk that people do to cats.  But I get fed and that’s all that matters.”

They usually do this to their owners, because just regular meows work on non-owners.  They’re not as desensitized to cat antics.

“I can pretty much walk up to anyone, give a meow, and they’ll pet me,” says Bernie.  “I have to work a little harder with Marlie because she’s used to me doing that.”

Plus in Bernie’s case he has full command of the English language and thus is prone to yelling his demands rather than using manipulative meows.

“I’ll jump up on Marlie while she’s on the couch and meow,” says Bernie.  “But she’ll be like ‘Feck off, I’m watching that movie about Bobby Sands.’  And then I’ll be like ‘Woman, get your bitch ass off this fucking couch and put some fresh kibble in my dish!”  But that just gets me squirted in the face with the water bottle.  So then I remember my kitty powers and I nuzzle back up to her with some purring and boom!  Got my Fancy Feast, bitches.”

I think cats are secretly working on what purring frequency will make us launch nuclear missiles against ourselves so that they can rise power in the post-nuclear aftermath.  The sound of our extinction won’t be man-made.  It will come in the form of something inviting us to rub under their chins.





  1. And if we have any sense, we will just scratch them and bypass the nuclear destruction thing. At least one species has its prioriies straight.

  2. I think they are not from here. They know just what to do to get what they want every time. Little Alien bastards.

  3. You know, they give cats all this credit for training their humans to feed them, but when a dog whines and is fed, researchers say that humans have trained their dogs to ask for food.

    Hasn’t it ever occurred to researchers that perhaps we have trained cats to alter their vocals to get a certain response from us?

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