The devil mixes his lies with the truth and the Indigo GirlsJuly 20, 2009
Tina the Lesbian was going out to check her mailbox when her nervous neighbors Sean and Lucia Wheatley sprang out and threw water at her.
“The power of Christ compels you!” says Sean Wheatley while his wife Lucia holds up a cross and some garlic.
“What the hell is this crap?” Tina the Lesbian says.
“It’s an exorcism to chase out your homosexual demon,” says Sean Wheatley. “We saw that a church in Connecticut was casting out gay demons from people and we thought we’d help you.”
“You’re welcome,” says Lucia Wheatley, still holding up the cross and garlic.
“What’s with the garlic?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Well, I wasn’t sure if the gay demons that cause homosexuality were also vampires,” says Lucia Wheatley. “I mean, the books of Anne Rice and Stephenie Meyer seem to indicate that to be the case. Those are some really homo vampires.”
“But Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon, and between you and us, they’re rather nutty,” says Sean Wheatley. “Her research on vampires may not be the most accurate, but we’re not prepared to take that chance.”
“Homosexuality is not caused by vampiric possession,” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Right, like you would tell us if you were possessed by a gay demon who was also a vampire,” says Sean Wheatley.
“Demons don’t cause gayness!” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Of course they do,” says Lucia Wheatley. “They also cause infidelity and depression and unexplained violent outbursts.”
“And don’t forget the unacceptable levels of back-sass,” says Sean Wheatley. “Kids talking back to their elders… only the possessed would dare do that.”
Tina the Lesbian breathed a small sigh of relief that Sean said “back-sass” instead of “back-fat,” because Tina is a little heavier than she was at this time last year.
“So is it possible we can cast your gay demon out without wrestling you onto a bed?” says Lucia Wheatley. “Because I’m really not comfortable wrestling with a possessed lesbian. I’m just not, okay?”
“If you don’t get off my lawn in three seconds I’m going to possessed by a strong urge to get my tire iron and start swinging,” says Tina the Lesbian.
And so the Wheatleys beat a hasty retreat, their faith not strong enough to survive severe blunt force trauma. An hour later, however, Tina the Lesbian finds Samurai Cathy knocking on her door, dressed in her full samurai armor.
“I got an anonymous note that there was a powerful demon over here,” says Samurai Cathy, unsheathing her mystical demon killing sword.
“There’s no demon,” Tina says with an annoyed sigh. “It’s just the Wheatley’s being stupid again.”
“Oh,” says Samurai Cathy, disappointed. “I was told there was fifty bucks in it for me if I defeatedthe demon. So I put on all this heavy armor in the middle of summer for nothing then?”
Tina invites Cathy inside for lemonade for her trouble, and to teach the samurai how to better keep from getting wrapped up in the hysterical world of the Wheatleys.