Witch Wanted, Not For Burning

July 22, 2009

“They’re looking to hire  a witch in England,” I say to Avonia the Wiccan Pimp as we hang out on the street corner.

“For what?”  says Avonia.

“It’s for a tourist attraction called the Wookey Hole,” I say.  “All you have to do is live in the cave as an old hag in the Dark Ages.”

“So why do they need a witch?” says Avonia.  “Not all old hags are witches.”

“Because the Wookey Hole legend says there was a witch who lived in the cave,”  I say.  “And she cursed people’s romances because she once had been dumped by someone she loved.  She also caused crop failures and plagues until one of the guys whose romances she fucked up became a holy monk and turned her into stone with blessed water.  Not sure how that works, but whatever…” 

“Why would I want a job that has me demeaning who I am?” says Avonia.  “I’d like very much to steer people away from such outdated views of witches and other pagan mystics.”

“It’s a £50,000-a-year salary,” I say.  “That’s 82,000+ in real American money.”

“And all I’d need to do is play into every negative stereotype of witches that people have,” says Avonia.  “That we’re all ugly lonely hags who cause nothing but misery and pain.  That the path to the mystic arts is malice and unrequited love instead of a genuine desire to be closer to the spirits of Nature.”

“They also want you to cackle and not be allergic to cats,” I say. 

Avonia respectfully declined the offer, but there’s a little extra part I failed to tell the Wiccan Pimp about: that the witch doesn’t have to be female.  Anti-discrimination laws in Britain say men can apply to be the witch as well, so I passed the word on to Mikka.  He likes the idea because 1) it’s a shitload more money than he’s currently making at the wonton soup factory and 2) he thinks the Wookey Hole is where Chewbacca from Star Wars lives.  Whether he can convince his girlfriend Samurai Cathy that this witch job is a good idea, let alone get to England in the first place, remains to be seen.

avonia smallnote




  1. American money is real?????

  2. If you didn’t bring up Chewbacca, I was going to.

  3. My American money is kind of less real than it was a year ago.

  4. Avonia is a better Wiccan than I am….this sounds like an awesome job to me!

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