Eliza Dushku can have my gun when she pries it from my cold dead fingersJuly 28, 2009
So I was spending Sunday the same way I usually do, alone and drunk in my house, and I learned that today was the final day of Sarah Palin being governor of Alaska, which was punctuated with a farewell speech by the queen of the run-on sentence. And while it’s hard to keep track of the various tangents and abbreviated ideas in a Sarah Palin speech, I was able to latch onto one point she made about Hollywood
“…because you’re going to see anti-hunting, anti-second amendment circuses from Hollywood and here’s how they do it. They use these delicate, tiny, very talented celebrity starlets, they use Alaska as a fundraising tool for their anti-second amendment causes.”
At first I figure that’s a good idea using tiny starlets to take people’s guns because their small size makes it harder to get a bead on them. You can shoot Seth Rogan all day long; he’s a hefty target. But it ain’t so easy to keep Katherine Heigl in your sights. She’s rather wiry.
The question then becomes which delicate tiny very talented starlets will be using Alaska as a fundraising tool for their anti-second amendment causes? I need names, damn it! I can’t protect my arsenal against vague inferences. I can’t shoot an undefined threat that has no form. I can’t empty a clip into innuendo and passive accusations.
Will it be Dakota Fanning giving the orders for federal agents to raid your compound of weapons and underage wives? Will it be Zooey Deschantel signing the law saying you can’t bring a concealed firearm to a baptism or a hospital or a prison? Or will it be Ellen Page leading the charge against hunters using flame-throwers to both hunt and cook deer at the same time? I need to know these things!
I’m going to feel really bad if I falsely accuse Megyn Fox or Jessica Alba of trying to leave us disarmed and helpless when the race war/zombie war/robot war finally comes. Not so much Summer Glau though, as I tend to blame her for everything.
I’m writing to my senator to demand that Sarah Palin name the form of our gun destroyer. And by writing to my senator I really mean drinking until I forget I ever took something in a Sarah Palin speech to a logical conclusion. You can’t unsee what you have seen, eh? Well I got a case of DoubleBock to the Future that says otherwise. It’s like hitting your brain at 88mph with 1.21 gigawatts of sweet delicious alcohol.