It begins with a chirp and ends with an explosion of yellow feathers

August 4, 2009

It’s laundry day, and as I go to my clothes hamper to find suitable offerings to the great washer and dryer I find Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat hiding inside.

“Close the lid, I’m hiding from the cops,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.

“What for this time?”  I say.

“They busted up a canary fighting ring,” says Bernie.

This is a new one on me.  I’ve heard of cock fighting and dog fighting, but never canary fighting.  But apparently you can get canaries and finches to fight each other to the death.

“Didn’t you learn your lesson after your involvement with the Michael Vick dog fighting scandal?”  I say.

“Hey, money’s real tight these days,” says Bernie.  “And if I have to bet on itty bitty birds pecking and clawing each other to bloody shreds just so I can afford a new refrigerator, so be it.  But I ain’t going to jail.”

“How long do you plan to stay in my hamper?”  I say.

“Until I’m sure the cops aren’t looking for a cyborg kitty who usually ate the losing canaries,” says Bernie.  “Sure, I might have bet on a few losing birds, but at least I got some lunch out of it.”

“So what’s your next animal fighting scheme?”  I ask.  “Which animals have to die to pay for your driveway resurfacing?  Rabbits?  Chinchillas?  Bottle-nosed dolphins?”

“I’d like someone to figure out how to make squirrels fight each other,” says Bernie.  “Fucking squirrels, with their bushy tails, looking cock-eyed at me, and their annoying-ass squeaking and jerky motions…”

“Why don’t you just bet on boxing matches or on Ultimate Fighting matches?”  I say.  “You like seeing humans injure each other.”

“My hard-earned money will only be wagered on life-and-death contests,” says Bernie.  “If I bet money on someone and they don’t win, I don’t want them alive anymore.”

“I would appreciate your principled stance more if it didn’t cause you to hide in my hamper to avoid possible prosecution,” I say.

“Well it’s an imperfect world,” says Bernie.  “Now close the lid.  It’s nap time.”

Looks like I’ll be wearing the same clothes for a few days.  But that’s why there’s Febreze.




One comment

  1. I agree. I don’t like those fucking squirrels, either.

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