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Shuriken wounds are a pre-existing condition

August 5, 2009

Though they are mortal enemies, Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy have something in common: they don’t have health insurance.

Samurai Cathy doesn’t make enough being a ronin-for-hire to afford the hefty premiums that insurance companies charge, and unfortunately for Ninja Vicki her job of being a ninja is considered a high-risk profession and so no company will take the chance of covering her.

So it’s no surprise that both of them support a public option for health care in America.

“I can’t steal healthcare, I’ve tried,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Sure, pills and surgical equipment are easy to lift, but what about diagnosing problems?  There’s no way I can get an MRI machine out of a hospital on my own.  Can’t be done.”

“Ancient herbs and NyQuil only work for so many things,” says Samurai Cathy.  “It doesn’t do shit against stuff like a torn ACL or breast cancer.”

“I can’t pay for cancer treatment if the chemo leaves me too weak to rob rich people,” says Ninja Vicki.

“There’s a history of high blood pressure in my family,” says Samurai Cathy.  “Who knows when that’s going to spring up and bite me on the ass?   Being a samurai can be very stressful.  Maybe if I make it to 65 to qualify for MediCare…”

“…and I’ll be damned if you get within spitting distance of that age,” says Ninja Vicki.  “No insurance covers my sword going through your heart.”

“I hope I get to cut off your feet before the diabetes does,” says Samurai Cathy.  “Christ, how many pints of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream do you steal a week?  Thirty?  That’s like every damn meal, Victoria.”

“It’s comfort food and I share them with Tina the Lesbian when I go over her house to watch her Absolutely Fabulous DVD’s, you fucking pap smear,” Ninja Vicki says.

“Well at least I’ve been touched down there in the last three years by someone who wasn’t wearing rubber gloves and wielding a speculum, Ms. Not-Good-Enough-For-A-Charity-Fuck,” says Samurai Cathy.

“Bitch, it’s on!”  says Ninja Vicki, taking out her sword.  “Just no kicks or punches to the mouth, I’m still paying off a crown I got last year.”

“Fair enough, I just had some fillings put in last month,” says Samurai Cathy, drawing her blade.  “Keep it below the chin.”

See, if we had government healthcare like Canada does this would be a much better fight.

cathy smallnote

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3 comments

  1. I don’t think enough people utilize “pap smear” as an insult. It’s time we’ve fixed that.


  2. seriously, how are these two going to replicate the ‘trailer sword fight’ from Kill Bill if they can’t get stitches or eye replacement surgery?


  3. Healthcare schmealthcare. This is a defence issue, sorry defense issue, and the whole tab should be put on the defense budget since the US of A can’t win any wars if its armed forces aint healthy. Once the Republicans cotton on to this the thing’s in the bag.



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