No Excuse to Skip Going to the Gym

August 10, 2009

Sean and Lucia Wheatley were waiting by my mailbox today.  After waiting an hour for them to leave, I decided to bite the bullet and go see what they want.

“You don’t happen to still belong to the local gym, do you?”  Sean Wheatley says to me.

“Um, no I get my fitness through Israel Krav Maga and mixed martial arts training now,” I say.

“How about guns?”  says Sean Wheatley.  “Haven’t bought one yet, have you?  Planning to buy some soon?”

“Uh… not really,” I say.  “I was thinking of buying some landmines though to keep you off my property.  What the hell is all this about?”

“Please don’t shoot up our local gym like that guy did in Pittsburgh!” shrieks Lucia Wheatley.

*blink* *blink*

“Why do you think I would do that?”  I say.

“Because that guy who shot all those women said he couldn’t find a woman to date,” says Sean Wheatley.  “And we haven’t seen you with any girls since we moved here.”

“We’d used to think you were gay, but you don’t dress well enough to be gay,” says Lucia Wheatley.  “But seriously, where are the women?  What’s the deal?”

“I don’t know, maybe most women can’t handle a guy who writes every day about drinking with a half-cyborg cat and a ninja,” I say.  “The difference between my long stretch of loneliness and that douche in Pittsburgh is that I don’t blame my unluckiness in love solely on the opposite gender.  I can accept for the most part that I might not have what women are looking for.”

“You can accept that fact today, but what about tomorrow?”  says Sean Wheatley.  “Or next week?  Next month?  Next year?  At what point does the veil of sanity slip and the crazed loner you’ve been suppressing comes roaring out with guns blazing?”

“If you’re going to shoot up our gym, can you not do it on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays from 6 to 7pm?” says Lucia Wheatley.  “That’s when I do my kickbox cardio classes.”

“That douche in Pittsburgh hadn’t been with a woman since 1984,” I say.  “I’ve dated someone this decade.”

“But you’re not dating anyone right now,” says Sean Wheatley.  “That makes you a ticking time bomb.”

“And I don’t want to be doing my weight training when you go off on your woman-hating murder spree,” says Lucia Wheatley.

“But I don’t hate women,” I say.  “Individually, maybe, but not as a whole.  Most of my friends are women and I haven’t dated or slept with any of them.”

“Maybe you should so that a national tragedy can be averted,” says Sean Wheatley.

“I don’t think the elliptical machines will provide suitable cover for me when you go off your nut,” says Lucia Wheatley.

“Maybe I’m not in a place in my life where I can make the kind of sacrifices and commitments needed to maintain the sort of relationships you’re talking about,” I say.

“We’re not asking you to marry anyone,” says Sean Wheatley.  “Maybe a few one-night stands every now and again to keep the murder bug away.”

“We used to be against sex before marriage,” says Lucia Wheatley.  “But if sinful pre-marital sex keeps you from turning my gym into Columbine then I don’t think the good Lord will hold that against you.”

“I think there are enough differences between myself and that douche in Pittsburgh to assure you that I won’t be executing random women in a yoga class,” I say.  “I don’t have an overinflated sense of entitlement regarding women, I have other issues that distract me from the cold loneliness that is my life, and I don’t have the unfortunate haircut and mustache that the douche from Pittsburgh had.”

“All right, I think I’m convinced you’re no danger our gym,” says Sean Wheatley.

“But if you start growing a mustache we’re calling the cops,” says Lucia Wheatley.

Well, there goes my Magnum P.I. idea for Halloween.





  1. i’ve hit a dry spell. but i’m not likely to buy a sword and go all ninja at a nascar event just because the boys find me invisible… more likely? a little sugar in a few selected gas tanks…

  2. I can see it now Renal Failure endorsed ‘God wants you to fuck’ t-shirts!

  3. The chicks dig my ‘stache.

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