America’s Got Talent… For Dying!

August 11, 2009

Psycho Dave is frying up bacon in my kitchen while wearing a big blue ribbon on his lapel.

“Did you win first place in a bacon-stealing contest?”  I say.

“No, I’m getting myself ready to be on a blue-ribbon panel,” says Psycho Dave.  “Just as soon as President Obama gets that health care reform of his passed.”

“How do you see that working out?”  I say.

Psycho Dave gives me a quote from former Alaska governor Sarah Palin’s Facebook page on the topic of the fear of health care rationing: “The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s “death panel” so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their “level of productivity in society,” whether they are worthy of health care.”

“I’m going to be on the Obama Death Panel,” says Psycho Dave. “I’m gonna make money killing retards and old people by way of mathematical equations and balance sheets.”

“There’s not going to be an Obama Death Panel,” I say.  “That’s just Sarah Palin talking crazy as usual.”

“But it’s an awesome idea,” says Psycho Dave.  “I’d be like the Simon Cowell of the panel, telling old people their lives are absolutely horrid and that they should die.  And there’d be a Paula Abdul-like judge who would feel bad about telling someone it’s not cost effective for them to bring their retard baby to term.  And there’d be a Randy Jackson guy on the panel who’d be like ‘Yo, dawg, paying your terminal illness treatment… I’m just not feelin’ it, dawg.'”

“Health care like the Gong Show… a novel concept,” I say.  “But it doesn’t change the fact that the Obama Death Panel is a total fantasy.”

“But I have the ribbon,” says Psycho Dave.

“And a fine ribbon it is,” I say.  “But it’s a ribbon for a panel only exists in Sarah Palin’s mind.”

“Do you think she’d pay me to be on that death panel?”  says Psycho Dave.  “You know, the one in her mind?”

“I don’t think so,” I say.

But Psycho Dave has given me a great idea on how to get revenge on the Wheatleys for wasting my time yesterday with the fear that I’d shoot up a gym because I don’t regularly go on dates.  Ah, the look on their faces when I showed up on their doorstep and told them I was with the Obama Death Panel, and that the government had decreed one of them would have to die for the good of America.  The real kicker was when I gave them the revolver with one bullet in it.  I haven’t seen that sort of unbridled fear in their eyes since that time I told them they were going to be sent to the Obama honkey concentration camps.  They hid in their basement for 23 days.





  1. […] original here: America’s Got Talent… For Dying! Share and […]

  2. do you think such death panel members could be bribed? surely, not in america…

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