You should shop around for that sort of thing

August 13, 2009

The sports news is full of stuff about college basketball coach Rick Pitino admitting that he was being extorted by a woman that he slept with who wasn’t his wife.  The one aspect of this story that got my attention is that he said he paid her $3,000 so she could get an abortion because she didn’t have health insurance.  Three grand for an abortion?  That price sounds pretty steep so I decided to do a little research and call a whole bunch of people on someone else’s cell phone.  Because, hey, they’re not my fucking minutes.

“So how much does an abortion usually go for?”  I ask.

“Why would I know?”  says Tina the Lesbian.  And she has a point.  Until lesbians learn to shoot sperm out of their fingers they won’t have much use for abortions.

“Why would I know?”  says Ninja Vicki.  And she also has a point.  No one’s touched her in years and no one’s likely to do so in the near future either, so she has no reason to be aware of abortion costs.

“Hundred bucks, and that covers the cost of the fishing line I put at the top of the stairs,” says Psycho Dave.

Well, Psycho Dave’s a do-it-yourself kind of guy.  But I’m looking for the retail cost.

“It’s probably cheaper in Canada,” says Samurai Cathy.  “Mexico probably has buy one/get one free coupons.”

“How much of that abortion price goes toward the abortion itself and how much goes to other stuff?”  says Mikka.  “You know, salaries, overhead, kevlar vests, bullet proof glass… you get the government to subsidize those extra costs, you’ll probably get that cost way down.”

“I don’t see abortion as something you want to do on the cheap,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “I’m willing to pay more so I don’t bleed to death.”

“Well, I assume the final price is something that varies from state to state, county to county, town to town,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Whatever the market dictates.  Pitino’s in Kentucky… don’t see a lot of abortion clinics down there in Bluegrass country… yeah, I’d buy three grand as the cost.”

“I think Rick Pitino should do condom ads,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “He can look at the camera and say “It’s either 17.95 for a value pack of Trojans, or three grand for an abortion.  Do the math.’  That would be an effective ad.”

I’m looking at this 3k price tag for abortions as something to use in approximating the costs of other things unrelated to terminating a pregnancy.  For example, for a new car I’m not willing to pay more than five abortions for it.  A good engagement ring might run you an abortion or two.  Going to law school?  You’ll need to abort an entire NFL team roster’s worth of unwanted pregnancies, and that’s not counting the cost of books.

vicki smallnote



One comment

  1. ‘A good engagement ring might run you an abortion or two.’

    Yeah but if she gets the abortion theres really no need for the engagement ring is there.

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