A Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name… Because Swords Are Involved

August 17, 2009

“Yo, where were you yesterday,” Ninja Vicki says to Tina the Lesbian.  “I stopped by your house in the afternoon and you weren’t there.”

“Oh, yeah, well I was out,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “At the movies.  Seeing the new Harry Potter.”

“With who?”  Ninja Vicki says.  She knows Tina the Lesbian doesn’t go to movies alone because it makes her feel like a creepy loner.

“Samurai Cathy,” says Tina the Lesbian.

Ninja Vicki does not take this news well.  “Yo!  What the fuck, Tina?  Why are you going to the movies with my sworn enemy?”

“Well, you didn’t want to go see Half-Blood Prince and Mikka didn’t want to see it either,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “So we went to see it together.”

“Why’d you have to see it with her?”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Avonia likes that Harry Potter shit. You should have asked her to go.”

“Avonia saw it opening night with all the rest of the Potter-maniacs all dressed up in costume,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Who else was I going to ask?  Tag Larkin?  He’s not allowed in movie theaters ever since that time he fought the IMAX screen.”

“Tina, this is not cool,” Ninja Vicki says, crossing her arms in front of herself.  “Not cool at all.  My best friend is not supposed to go to the movies with my sworn enemy.  Batman doesn’t take Lex Luthor to the movies behind Superman’s back.  This is so very much not cool.”

“I guess I wasn’t supposed to take her out for drinks afterward either,” Tina the Lesbian says.

Ninja Vicki’s jaw dropped, which was hard to see with her ninja mask hiding that part of her face.  “What the howling blue fuck do you think you’re doing?”

“I like Cathy, all right?”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“What do you mean you like Cathy?”  says Ninja Vicki.

“I mean… I like her,” says Tina the Lesbian.

Ninja Vicki looks like she got run through with a spear.  “You… like… her?”

“I didn’t expect to when I first met her,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “But you hang around people for a while, talk to them, get to know them, and, well… stuff just blossoms.”

“Stuff just blossoms?”  Ninja Vicki says.  “You’ve known me longer than you have Catherine.  Where’s my blossom?”

“Vicki, don’t,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“No, I want to hear this,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Have you ever liked me the way you currently like Samurai Cathy?”

Tina the Lesbian runs her hand down her face and sighs.  “No.”

Ninja Vicki takes a minute for the news to soak in.  “All right… why not?”


“Tell me why not?”

“You don’t have an ass, Vicki,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Some people have a flat ass, yours is two-dimensional.  I’m not into that.”

“I can’t sneak into buildings if I have funk in my trunk,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Ninjas can’t slip through windows with a big dumper.”

“That might make you a good ninja, but that’s not going to get you invited into my bed,”  Tina the Lesbian says.  “I’m sorry.”

“Have you and Cathy… done anything?”  says Ninja Vicki.

“No, no no no no,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Cathy doesn’t know I like her.”

“And that’s where it better stay,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Catherine and Mikka have been dating for a year and a half, and no one’s going to like you very much if you fuck that up for him.”

“I know… I know… but Cathy and I get along so well,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “I’m in a weird spot here, Vicki.  A real weird spot.”

“You’re in a weird spot?”  Ninja Vicki says.  “Where the bedazzled shit am I then?  My best friend is in love with my blood enemy who is currently dating a mutual friend.  Where does that put me?”

“You’re not going to tell anyone about this, are you?”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“I wouldn’t even begin to know what to say,” says Ninja Vicki.

To be continued…





  1. Batman and Superman were best friends? i thought they were kinda like professional rivals… no animosity, but keeping to their own turf… Maybe they were secretly gay lovers? Didn’t Batman just marry Veronica? shit. i don’t know jack about comics, i guess…

    • Well, they were on that “SuperFriends” cartoon together.

  2. Tina should take lessons from my friend M.E., who specializes in dragging straight girls into the gay world.

  3. Now I have to write a song called “Lesbian Samurai.”

  4. Me and Tina have a lot in common… of course she actually gets to have sex with women, being the major difference between us.

  5. How do you KNOW Batman doesn’t take Lex Luther to the movies?

  6. Is this the beginning of a beautiful friendship? I don’t know…but I must read on.

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