Love Will Tear Us Apart Again, So We Must Kill It First

August 18, 2009

So Ninja Vicki’s best friend Tina the Lesbian has a crush on Vicki’s sworn blood enemy Samurai Cathy, who in turn is currently in a relationship with everyone’s mutual friend Mikka that has lasted for the past year and a half.  And though Tina the Lesbian made her promise not to tell anyone, Ninja Vicki is desperate to unload the conflicting emotions swirling around inside her.

Luckily for Ninja Vicki, Anonymous Doug can smell the alluring scent of desperation from miles away.  And his anonymous powers make him the perfect person to tell secrets to because even if he tells someone else they won’t remember after he leaves the room.

“So my new drinking buddy is hot for the samurai chick?” says Anonymous Doug as he and Ninja Vicki have some cocktails at the bar.  “That’s sexy.”

“No, it’s a nightmare,” says Ninja Vicki.  “I can see no way for this to end well.”

“For who?”  says Anonymous Doug.

“For anyone,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Say Tina gets what she wants.  She and Cathy hook up, Cathy breaks up with Mikka, Mikka gets his little Finnish heart shattered, everyone hates Tina for being a homewrecker.”

“Counterpoint: Tina is welcomed into Mikka and Cathy’s relationship, turning it into a polyamorous relationship,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Tina gets the girl she wants and Mikka gets a threesome.”

“Counter-counterpoint: Tina does not do guys,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Otherwise we’d be calling her Tina the Bisexual.  I lose because I’d have yet another person I’m friendly with banging my sworn enemy.  Plus, have you ever heard of a polyamorous relationship actually working out in the long term?”

“Valid points indeed,” says Anonymous Doug.  “So what if Tina doesn’t get Cathy?”

“Tina gets her lesbian heart shattered and spends the next month watching her Sex and the City DVD’s in the dark while crying,” says Ninja Vicki.  “And everyone gets mad at Tina for selfishly trying to take Cathy away from Mikka.”

“Counterpoint: if the rejection is kept between Tina and Cathy no one knows to hate Tina,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Cathy’s a samurai, surely Tina can make her take some sort of secrecy oath or something.”

“Counter-counterpoint: even if that happens, shit’s still going to be weird between Tina and Cathy and the rest of the circle of friends are going to notice,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Especially Bernie.  Cats know when shit’s awkward. He’s going to know something’s up and then BOOM!  Drama Armageddon.”

“This sounds more like Tina’s problem than yours,” says Anonymous Doug.

“My best friend is trying to hook up with my worst enemy,” says Ninja Vicki.  “This shit’s certainly my problem.”

Luckily for Ninja Vicki, Anonymous Doug is a man of solutions.

“You could always kill Samurai Cathy like you keep talking about,” says Anonymous Doug.

“Then I get Mikka and Tina mad at me for all eternity,” says Ninja Vicki.

“You could hook up with Mikka,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Cathy breaks up with him, allowing Tina to swoop in and take her.”

“I don’t like Mikka like that,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Except for that one time but that’s because I only want men who don’t want me.  Plus I’ve kicked him in the head a few times.  Really hard.”

“What if someone else broke Mikka and Samurai Cathy up?”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Someone who no one could be mad at?”

“You?”  says Ninja Vicki.

“No, but it’s someone I believe you are familiar with…” says Anonymous Doug.  “Very familiar with indeed.”

To be continued…





  1. and i thought i was overly analytical in pre-negotiating the end of a relationship before it even starts…

  2. Psycho Dave?

  3. The plot thickens…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: