Love is a Two-Way Street Strewn With the Bodies of Dead ChildrenAugust 19, 2009
Ninja Vicki sits down at a table in a local cafe, waiting for the man Anonymous Doug said could help her resolve her Tina the Lesbian/Samurai Cathy/Mikka issues. Within minutes that man arrives, demanding that the barista give him the entire brewing container of Sumatra coffee to drink from.
“So… you’ve come crawling back to Tag Larkin, eh?” he says as he dumps a whole bottle of Jameson’s into the metal silo of coffee in front of him.
“No, I’m not here to ask you for a second date,” says Ninja Vicki. “I need your help breaking up a relationship.”
“Tag Larkin is listening,” says Tag Larkin, now dumping a bottle of Bailey’s into the brewing container and shaking it.
“Tag Larkin remembers you wouldn’t put out on that date,” says Tag Larkin, drinking his makeshift Irish coffee straight from the brewing canister.
“That’s besides the point,” says Ninja Vicki. “I need you to sleep with my sworn enemy so her boyfriend breaks up with her so my lesbian friend can have a chance to date her.”
Tag Larkin takes a long sip from his canister and ponders Ninja Vicki’s plan. “So you want Tag Larkin to sleep with a samurai, so her Finnish boyfriend breaks up with her, so a lesbian can maybe then hook up with the samurai?”
“Pretty much, yeah,” says Ninja Vicki.
“So what does Tag Larkin get out of this?” says Tag Larkin. “What’s in it for Tag Larkin?”
“It’s for a good cause,” says Ninja Vicki.
“Tag Larkin is the only cause worth fighting for,” says Tag Larkin. “Or getting off the couch for.”
Ninja Vicki sighs and shakes her head. “Okay… fine. I’ll… I’ll sleep with you if you do this for me.”
Tag Larkin stares at Ninja Vicki with his million-mile gaze, the type of gaze that goes right through you and travels all the way around the world, wraps back around to where it began, and bores deep into your naked soul.
“What kind of person do you take Tag Larkin for?” Tag Larkin says with royal indignation.
“Huh?” says Ninja Vicki. “I thought you wanted to sleep with me.”
“No, Tag Larkin wants you to want to sleep with Tag Larkin. If Tag Larkin’s going to bend you over his kitchen counter and pull your hair it going to be because you want Tag Larkin bending you over his kitchen counter pulling your hair. If Tag Larkin’s going to drop a milky load on your face while dressed as the Scarlet Pimpernel it’s going to be because you want Tag Larkin to give you a facial while wearing 18th century period costumes.”
“Wait, am I wearing the Scarlet Pimpernell outfit or are you?” says Ninja Vicki.
“The point is Tag Larkin doesn’t want you cupping Tag Larkin’s balls or licking Tag Larkin’s asshole if you’re just going to go through the motions with no sense of passion or desire,” says Tag Larkin, standing up from the table. “Good day, Gwendolyn!”
“But my name is Vicki.”
Tag Larkin throws the giant brewing container through the front window of the coffee shop. “Tag Larkin said good day, sir!”
And as she watches Tag Larkin stomp out of the coffee shop Ninja Vicki is left with shards of glass in her iced moccachino and a growing sense of dread over her Tina/Cathy/Mikka situation.