Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong Then Unceremonially Drops Us Twenty Stories

August 21, 2009

“Shit’s gone totally to shit, man,” Ninja Vicki says to me as we sit at the bar.  And I’m inclined to agree, seeing how her attempts to avert a potential disaster regarding Tina the Lesbian’s secret crush on Samurai Cathy have crashed and burned.  “Tina won’t talk to me now.”

“Well, you did violate her trust by telling people about her liking Samurai Cathy,” I say.

“But I did that with the best of intentions,” says Ninja Vicki.

“Yeah, that best of intentions excuse doesn’t go far with most people,” I say.  “Especially municipal court judges.”

“So by looking out for my friend’s best interests I now lose that friend?”  says Ninja Vicki.

“Why’s it up to you look out for Tina the Lesbian’s best interests?”  I say.

“Duh… because she’s my friend,” says Ninja Vicki.

“No, friends are there to comfort you when things go wrong, or reassure you you’re still a worthwhile person when you’re feeling down about yourself,” I say.  “Friends don’t try to recruit Tag Larkin to sleep with another man’s woman to break up their relationship so their friend can then hook up with that woman.”

“I thought it was a good plan,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Sure, it may have needed a few lucky breaks to fall Tina’s way, like Cathy being into girls and Tag Larkin actually agreeing to do it, but fundamentally it was a sound plan.”

“Tag Larkin had a better plan than you,”  I say, referring to Tag Larkin’s plan to sleep with Tina the Lesbian to make her forget about Samurai Cathy, thus saving everyone’s friendships and sparing everyone potential social awkwardness.  “Do you know how bad your plan has to be for Tag Larkin to come up with a better one?”

“Tag Larkin’s plan for everything is either fight it or fuck it,” says Ninja Vicki.

“Doesn’t change the fact that his plan was better,” I say.

Ninja Vicki sighs.  “Son of  a bitch… shit’s gone completely to shit, man…”

Just then Tina the Lesbian comes walking into the bar with Anonymous Doug, and much to my and Tina’s surprise they sit down next to us.

“So…what?  You’re not mad at me anymore?”  says Ninja Vicki.

“No, I’m not mad,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Anonymous Doug helped put the whole thing in perspective.  He said that if you really hated Samurai Cathy more than you liked me than you would have just killed Cathy and not given a damn about my feelings on the matter.”

I want to chime in that killing Samurai Cathy is no easy task, but I don’t want to ruin the moment.”

Tina the Lesbian continues.  “And Doug says by telling him and Tag Larkin about this that you were just looking out for me and I should be glad to have someone in my life willing to go to ridiculous lengths to help me because God knows no one will ever do that for him.”

“The curse of the anonymous,” says Anonymous Doug.  “You can’t help who you don’t know exists.”

“So we’re cool again?”  says Ninja Vicki.

“Yeah, we’re cool,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Right after you get Tag Larkin off my lawn.”

“So what about you and Cathy?”  I ask Tina.  “What’s going to happen with that?”

“I don’t know…” sighs Tina the Lesbian.  “Maybe I just handle it like I do with most things: repress, repress, repress.  It’s gotten me this far.”

“That’s the lesbian spirit,” Anonymous Doug says. 

“Or maybe I get drunk one night and call Cathy up professing my undying love to her,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Or maybe I find someone new and forget all about Cathy.  Whatever.  I’ll deal with it.”

At least we don’t have to worry about Mikka challenging Tina the Lesbian to a fight if she does openly declare her love for Samurai Cathy.  Tina could completely take him.  Her collection of Tae Bo workout DVD’s beat his collection of fighting video games.





  1. fight it or fuck it? i could adopt that mantra… how about “fight it, fuck it or bury it in your backyard”?

    • You can bury it in your backyard after you either fight it or fuck it.

  2. Lesbians are great. Basically, once I befriend them, I just stand aside and take their rejects. Which of course are usually spurned, horny, hot chicks (as defined by any Catholic priest) who can’t figure out why she’s with me. I’ve got a hole ready in my back yard for the next reject.

  3. so all’s well that ends well?

    • Any ending you can walk away from is a good one, especially when ninjas and Tag Larkin are involved.

  4. I just read this series. Have you considered writing graphic novels? If you had an artist collaborator this just cries out for that sort of treatment. The image with Tag Larkin with his boombox on the lawn. . . the bar scenes. . .

    Thanks for amusing me.

    • I can’t draw. I would need a comic artist friend so I can pull a Harvey Pekar/American Splendor type deal to put Renal Failure in graphic novel form.

      • You do need to put this into novel form, regardless. If Rob Kroese and Mark Rayner can put out novels, why not you?

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