This is why they spend so much time away from their districts

September 8, 2009

Our reluctant Congressman Matt Rotary-Phone (D) held one of those town hall meetings about health care reform recently.  I don’t think he’ll be having another.

“Obama will destroy the constitution with his health care plan!” proclaimed one of the people at the town hall. 

“Yeah!  We’ll have to quarter British soldiers in our homes!”  said another, referring to the 3rd amendment.

“Tag Larkin gives no quarter!”  says Tag Larkin, exercising his civic duty as a concerned citizen.  Also these town halls are one of the few public forums that Tag Larkin has not been banned from.

“Alcohol will become illegal again!  And then fourteen years later become legal again!”  says someone else, referring to the 21st  amendment that repealed prohibition and the 18th amendment that enacted it in the first place.  “You know, if Obama decides to dismantle the Constitution in reverse order.”

“Pay raises for congressmen and senators could take effect before an election of the House of Representatives and not after!”  says a member of the audience, mentioning the often overlooked 27th amendment.   “That’s bullshit, man!  We don’t live in Stalin-Hitler-Al Qaeda Land!  This is America!”

“US Senators will no longer be directly elected by the people, and instead be elected by state legislatures!”  says another citizen, referring to the 17th amendment.   “And then Obama will strangle my grandmother in the night with piano wire!”

“The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to Tag Larkin,”  says Tag Larkin, interpreting the 10th amendment in a way that only Tag Larkin can.

“Poll taxes would be legal, blacks and women would not be able to vote, the voting age would be raised back to 21, and federal income taxes would be abolished,” says the president of our community college’s Young Republicans club, or at least that what his button says.  “Wait… that actually works out all right for us…” 

“If the 7th amendment gets repealed, we won’t have to do jury duty anymore,” says a not-so-concerned citizen.  “That means I won’t have to miss work in two weeks…”

“And if slavery were legal again it would definitely reduce our unemployment numbers and help the local economy,” says another citizen.  “Well, if that’s what the free market wants…”

“Maybe Obama dismantling the Constitution with his dirty IslamoMarxoFascist hands with government healthcare might work out great for us,” says someone else in the crowd.

“But what about the right to bear arms?”  yells someone with a mustache.  “You can have my phallic overcompensation when you pry it from my cold dead insecure-about-my-manhood hands!”

“You have the right to bear Tag Larkin,”  says Tag Larkin who then punches  that person in the jaw in a patriotic exercise of what he believes to be his 2nd amendment rights.

The town hall became a riot at that point, which Congressman Matt Rotary-Phone did not see because halfway through everyone’s arguments he put up a scarecrow at the podium and slipped out the back without anyone noticing.  We still don’t know where he stands on a public option for health care, and at this point it probably doesn’t matter anymore.





  1. alas, the fabrications today are not so wild. a friend of mine went to a local “TEA”* party meeting… and was told that according to Lenin, “healthcare is the first step toward socialism”, so these fine folks were preparing to lay down in the streets to save democracy if necessary.

    need bigger tires on my jeep…

    *”Taxed Enough Already?” – gee, those buttheads sure are clever, aren’t they?

  2. never trust a rotary phone

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