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Why Does God Need Teamsters?

September 9, 2009

I read the story a bunch of weeks ago about the Feds seizing the fundamentalist amusement park that depicts humans and dinosaurs living side by side in harmony because they believe the Earth is only 6,000 years old and evolution is a lie of the devil.  What struck me in this story was the fact that they guy who created the park, Kent Hovind, refused to pay his taxes because he “claimed no income or property since he was employed by God and said that his ministers were not subject to payroll taxes.”

So now I’ve got the concept of “Employees of God” rolling around in my head and it makes me wish I wasn’t an atheist because atheists don’t get to say anything as batshit crazy as this to anyone, let alone federal prosecutors.

Let’s go for a mental walk, shall we?  You’re the Lord, your God, the Father Almighty.  You created the Heavens and the Earth and everything in between in six days.  You are omnipotent and omnipresent.  By your will cities are destroyed and even your Chosen People are punished for displeasing you.  There was that one time you gave a dude the power to summon bears to eat people.  You once fucked up Job’s life on a bet with the devil, who you also created because, well, we’re assuming this was your first time creating the universe and some things slip through quality control.  The question is… why do you need employees?

How do you apply?  Does God post on Monster.com?  Is it all recruiting and headhunting?  Does he have an interview process?  He obviously discriminates based on religious creed.

Furthermore, if God employs you then that would assume that God has a business.  What does God need with a limited liability company?  Is God publicly traded on the New York Stock Exchange?  So God can make profits and investments but he’s immune from payroll taxes?  Are we to believe God handicapped himself to play the rules of business that his meat puppet creations established and then he said “Fuck it, I don’t have to follow all of these guidelines”?  Are we to believe that God is a cheater?  You don’t have to cheat if you’re omnipotent.  That’s why people want to be omnipotent because then you don’t have to do bullshit like cheating.

God:  “Taxes?  What are they?  Oh, that’s right they don’t exist anymore in human history because I just now erased the concept with my fucking mind!”

That’s fucking omnipotence.

The concept of God as a cheater renders him unworthy of worship.  Children will kneel by their beds and say “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord that he doesn’t deal from the bottom of the deck the next time we play Go Fish.”  And the Lord as a cheater is someone you don’t want employing you either.  What kind of recourse do you have if you find out God’s skimming off the top and raiding the pension fund?

Or we can just stipulate that Kent Hovind is a fucking nut and go get ourselves some ice cream.

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3 comments

  1. Ben and Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chocolate Chunk for me… with a shot of Jack Daniels for my dinosaur rapture pony.


  2. Ice cream? where’s the ice cream?



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