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Your Pre-9/11 World Was Like Ancient Times, Old Man!

September 11, 2009

“Do you realize kids currently in second grade have never known a world where the Twin Towers were still standing?”  I say.

“And they’ve never known a world where the worst thing to ever happen to our country was the President getting a blow job from a chunky girl,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “At least that’s what the Screaming Head on the Radio kept yelling every day in the late 90’s.”

“And they’ve never known a world without TV game shows that needlessly pad things out,” says Mikka.  “80’s game shows knew how to move shit along.  None of this spending five full minutes pondering your next move bullshit.   No cutting to commercial just before something important.  That shit would never happen on Peter Tomarken’s watch.”

“And they’ve never known a world where we had to pretend that Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O’Donnell were straight,” says Tina the Lesbian. 

“Sixth graders have never known a world without Harry Potter,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “And as much as I love those books I’m sick of those kids asking me if I went to Hogwarts to learn my magic, or if I own an owl.”

“At least second graders have never been alive to see the New York Yankees win the World Series,” says Samurai Cathy.  She’s a Seattle Mariners fan, well actually she’s mainly an Ichiro fan.  But she finds the Yankees dishonorable for their excessive spending on free agents and blames them for the inflated team payrolls in Major League Baseball.

“Damn spoiled second graders have always had porn on the Internet,” says Anonymous Doug.  “They never had to sneak it out from under their dad’s bed when he wasn’t home, or wait until 2am for Cinemax’s soft-core lineup, or lure teenage tweaker girls from under the highway overpass back to your basement so you could photograph them sticking various items into themselves in exchange for smack money.  I mean, yeah I still do that when I’m having trouble leeching a wireless connection from my neighbor, but back then that was the only way to see an emaciated teary-eyed high school dropout put a wiffle ball bat half-way up her cooch.”

But the world has never known a time when there was no Tag Larkin, for Tag Larkin is eternal.

mikka smallnote

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6 comments

  1. Is Tag Larkin a vampire?


  2. Tag Larkin is the wiffle ball bat….


  3. Tag Larkin does not sparkle.


  4. ‘or lure teenage tweaker girls from under the highway overpass back to your basement so you could photograph them sticking various items into themselves in exchange for smack money.’

    And Doug was doing that in grade two… man I hadn’t organised that far till like grade five…


  5. Doug is scary. Just sayin’.


  6. Second graders have never known a time when there was no cartoon network.

    When I was little we had to wait for saturday morning.

    We had to wait ALL FUCKING WEEK YOU SPOILED BASTARDS!



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