It’s My Way Or The Highway

September 16, 2009

“So you’re starting a new religion?”  Mikka says to me.

“No, I’m starting a new philosophy,” I say. 

“And what is this new philosophical movement called?”  says Mikka.

“I call it Daltonism,” I say.  “Named after Patrick Swayze’s character in Road House and based on his speech to the employees of the Double Deuce when he takes over as the cooler.”

“I’m listening…” says Mikka, obviously interested because Road House is an awesome movie.

“Rule one: Never underestimate your opponent,” I say.  “Expect the unexpected.  It is in this lesson that Dalton beseeches us to be flexible in both mind and body, to expand our perceptions so that we may overcome all obstacles.”

“If you can imagine it, you can tear out its throat,” says Mikka. 

“Rule two: take it outside,” I say.  “Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

“But I don’t have a bar,” says Mikka.

“The bar is a metaphor,” I say.  “To fight in the bar is to fight on your opponent’s terms.  That is wrong, because you will lose.  Whatever you do, do it on your terms and victory will be assured.  It also doubles as another way of saying ‘don’t shit where you eat.'”

“So this rule is basically saying ‘be Tag Larkin,'” says Mikka.

“But Tag Larkin does not abide by Rule 3,” I say.  “And that rule is: Be nice.”

“Yeah, Tag Larkin sure doesn’t abide by that rule,” says Mikka, remembering a recent incident where Tag Larkin beat up the neighborhood paperboy because the newspaper didn’t run Calvin and Hobbes in the comics section, even though Calvin and Hobbes stopped running in 1995.

“But the corrolary to Rule Three is that Dalton wants us to be nice until it is time to not be nice,” I say.

“Well, when will we know when that is?”  says Mikka.

“You won’t, Dalton will tell you,” I say.  “Your inner Dalton, that is.”

“Will my inner Dalton get to hang out with Sam Elliott and bang Kelly Lynch?”  says Mikka. 

“I don’t see why not,” I say.   

“Then take all my money and show me the way,” says Mikka, giving me his wallet.

“This is a philosophy, not a religion,” I say.  “I don’t want your money.”

“Oh,” says Mikka. “Sorry.”

“Besides, you probably only have like sixteen bucks in there anyway,” I say.

“I have twelve,” says Mikka.

“See, I didn’t underestimate you,” I say.  “Here endeth the lesson.”

mikka smallnote




  1. The bar IS a metaphor. Thank Dalton I’m not the only one who sees it.

  2. Awesome

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