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My life was saved by something I bought off the television at 3am because I was lonely

September 21, 2009

As always, stories in the news about swords get our attention here at Renal Failure.  This one is about a college student who killed a burglar in his house with a samurai sword.

“He did kill the guy with the sword, so I’ll give him that,” says our resident expert on samurai swords, Samurai Cathy.  “But the report said the burglar’s hand was ‘nearly severed,’ and that just rubs me the wrong way.  You need to keep that blade and your skills sharp so you can swing clean and true through bone and sinew.”

“Well, the dude is just a college student,” I say.  “I doubt he’s received the years of intense training you have.”

“Doesn’t matter,” says Samurai Cathy.  “He obviously had the inkling he would some day need to cut someone down, otherwise why would he have bought an actual samurai sword instead of a cheaper decorative replica?”

“Decorative replicas can scare off people,” I say.  “If I broke into a house and I saw a dude holding a William Wallace claymore right out of Braveheart, I’m probably going to shit my meal and run the hell away before I check to see if it’s real, let alone sharp enough to lop off my head.”

“Unless the burglar is Ninja Vicki,” says Samurai Cathy.  “She’ll snap that replica off at the hilt and jam it up your ass.  Besides, weapons are not for decoration.  Especially swords.  They will fucking cut you wide open.”

“True… I don’t really see people buying decorative guns much,” I say.  “Do you see swords replacing guns as the weapon of choice for home defense in the near future?”

“I hope that doesn’t happen,” Samurai Cathy says.  “People are reckless enough with guns, they’re even worse with swords.  There was that story in Ohio about the father and son who got into an argument that escalated into a sword fight.  No one died or was injured and the cops broke it up.  What the hell is that crap?  What’s the usual police response time to a call?  Eight minutes or so?  You mean in eight minutes neither of them scored a hit?  I could wipe out an entire family bloodline in eight minutes.”

“You could teach people how to properly sword fight,” I say.  “Get some extra money to supplement your new bouncer job.”

“I don’t teach sword fighting, I teach people to kill,” says Samurai Cathy.  “That way when they meet some son of a bitch who studied swordfighting, they send his soul straight to hell.”

“You’ve watched Spartan recently,” I say.

“Mikka got me into some David Mamet movies recently, yes,” says Samurai Cathy.

That’s all we need… a samurai with a penchant for vicious dialogue.

cathy smallnote

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6 comments

  1. My roommate is seriously considering buying a machete from Coldsteel.com. I think she should stop wussing out and just get the damn thing.


  2. I hope my decorative swords in the boys room scares someone off. Of course I could always take my clothes off.


  3. What happened to Trip Fisk’s eye?


    • That gets addressed in Episode 4 of Cautionary Tales of Swords…


  4. Can you buy Jason Bourne’s instant death improvisational skills off of TV? Cuz I got a bunch of yard sale worthy junk that I’m pretty sure I could murder a robber with if I had the proper training and/or liquor in my system.


    • Fight like a robot: dirty.

      How’d you find the Failure, Zeph?



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