Activate Baby Shield!September 24, 2009
I’m going to let the first sentence of this news story from Florida speak for itself…
“A man who was threatening a Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer used a 1-year-old as a shield when the officer reached for his pepper spray.”
“It’s like that scene from The Dead Zone when Martin Sheen grabs the child to protect himself from Christopher Walken’s assassination attempt,” I say.
“Hey, the guy didn’t get pepper sprayed,” says Anonymous Doug, himself no stranger to pepper spray. “That is an effective defense.”
“Yeah, what are you going to do, spray the baby?” I say. “If I was a criminal I’d wear a vest of babies. What police sargeant is going to give the order to open fire on me when I’m wearing a baby vest?”
“You know what babies make the best shield? Retarded ones.” says Anonymous Doug. “Hell, Sarah Palin hides behind hers enough they could change the kid’s name to Tarp.”
“So I’m safe in a baby vest, but I’d be super-safe in a retarded baby vest?” I say.
“From a physical sense and in an argument too,” says Anonymous Doug. “The retarded baby card is a strong defensive card in your rhetorical deck, stronger than the ‘I was there on 9/11’ card or the ‘My friend lost an arm in Iraq’ card but not as fucking douchey.”
“Do you think the public will now use babies to curb the problem of police brutality?” I say.
“Perhaps, or it will instead normalize cops tasering the shit out of babies,” says Anonymous Doug.
“Babies getting tasered would be the biggest thing on YouTube,” I say.
“And then that would lead to parents legally being able to taser their kids when they get out of line instead of hitting them,” says Anonymous Doug. “Because if you can taser a baby, you can certainly taser a crying four-year-old in a Wal-Mart.”
“So our retarded baby vest idea will either lead to the total protection of its wearer or the widespread utilization of tasers against children,” I say.
“Either way, we win,” says Anonymous Doug.
And winning is all that matters, even if it involves a bunch of retarded babies strapped to a vest.