Your location on this map will determine your prowess in bedOctober 5, 2009
In a recent poll, it turns out that the worst lovers in the world are from Germany. Apparently they are “too smelly,” though they don’t specify the smell. Is it bratwurst? Beer hall piss? Unwashed lederhosen? I’d like to know.
The second worst lovers came from England for being “too lazy.” Number Seven was Wales for being “too selfish” and Number Eight was Scotland for being “too loud.” Ireland, however, was Number Five on the Best Lovers List, which made Marlie smile because not only is she from Ireland but because she also hates Great Britain.
“I delite en tha’ fact that na’n af them fahkin’ wankars can fack fer shite,” Marlie says before taking a swig of her coffee pot of whiskey and going back to work on another nail bomb.
The Swedes were ranked Third Worst for being “too quick,” which makes Mikka glad because he’s Finnish and always looks for any opportunity to stick it to Sweden. Finland was not listed on either the Best of Worst lists, but he’s content with the Finns being average in the bedroom. Someone has to play on checking line.
American lovers were down as the Fifth Worst for being “too rough.” Hey, I don’t think our country should be penalized just because some women can’t handle Tag Larkin’s love. Because Tag Larkin doesn’t just make love. Tag Larkin forges love in the fiery pits of ecstasy like a blacksmith of pleasure, and you’re the anvil upon which Tag Larkin swings his mighty hammer to produce his master craft.
Spain, Brazil, Italy, France, and Ireland were the Top Five Best Lovers in that order, which I like because I’m of Irish and Italian heritage. Australia is ranked Seventh, so that should brighten Alex L.’s week as well as our large contingent of Australia-based readers. New Zealand is Eighth, which seems pretty low considering Nursemyra’s a Kiwi. But she lives in Australia so that might have driven down New Zealand and boosted Australia.
We still can’t figure out how South Africa got to be Sixth on the Best Lovers list. Canada at Tenth, sure, we’ll buy that. They’re very polite and considerate in the Great White North so they’re generous lovers. But at no point have I ever known anyone to remark “Hey, you should bang a South African. They’re pretty good in the sack.” Maybe those years of apartheid overshadowed that particular talent. Maybe I missed it when someone said in the 80’s “Yeah, I won’t play Sun City, and that’s a real shame because they fuck like minxes down there.”
Oh… and in case you didn’t get it… the hammer is Tag Larkin’s penis.