Your location on this map will determine your prowess in bed

October 5, 2009

In a recent poll, it turns out that the worst lovers in the world are from Germany.  Apparently they are “too smelly,” though they don’t specify the smell.  Is it bratwurst?  Beer hall piss?  Unwashed lederhosen?  I’d like to know.

The second worst lovers came from England for being “too lazy.”  Number Seven was Wales for being “too selfish” and Number Eight was Scotland for being “too loud.”  Ireland, however, was Number Five on the Best Lovers List, which made Marlie smile because not only is she from Ireland but because she also hates Great Britain.

“I delite en tha’ fact that na’n af them fahkin’ wankars can fack fer shite,” Marlie says before taking a swig of her coffee pot of whiskey and going back to work on another nail bomb.

The Swedes were ranked Third Worst for being “too quick,” which makes Mikka glad because he’s Finnish and always looks for any opportunity to stick it to Sweden.  Finland was not listed on either the Best of Worst lists, but he’s content with the Finns being average in the bedroom.  Someone has to play on checking line.

American lovers were down as the Fifth Worst for being “too rough.”   Hey, I don’t think our country should be penalized just because some women can’t handle Tag Larkin’s love.  Because Tag Larkin doesn’t just make love. Tag Larkin forges love in the fiery pits of ecstasy like a blacksmith of pleasure, and you’re the anvil upon which Tag Larkin swings his mighty hammer to produce his master craft.

Spain, Brazil, Italy, France, and Ireland were the Top Five Best Lovers in that order, which I like because I’m of Irish and Italian heritage.  Australia is ranked Seventh, so that should brighten Alex L.’s week as well as our large contingent of Australia-based readers.  New Zealand is Eighth, which seems pretty low considering Nursemyra’s a Kiwi. But she lives in Australia so that might have driven down New Zealand and boosted Australia.

We still can’t figure out how South Africa got to be Sixth on the Best Lovers list.  Canada at Tenth, sure, we’ll buy that.  They’re very polite and considerate in the Great White North so they’re generous lovers.  But at no point have I ever known anyone to remark “Hey, you should bang a South African.  They’re pretty good in the sack.”  Maybe those years of apartheid overshadowed that particular talent.  Maybe I missed it when someone said in the 80’s “Yeah, I won’t play Sun City, and that’s a real shame because they fuck like minxes down there.”

Oh… and in case you didn’t get it… the hammer is Tag Larkin’s penis.





  1. hooked up with a brit once. kinda pasty, and i lost him in the sheets… gotta say that i’d rank Ireland a little higher (sigh)…

  2. The worst surprise I ever got in this context was a guy from Bombay, I mean this is the country that gave us the Kama Sutra for god’s sake, and he was so bad I dressed and left and went back to a party to drink beer with a bunch of Germans. There’s a nation that at least turns out to be quite good at what it’s known for.

  3. Irish and Italian represent. I love how people in the comments are taking this poll so seriously over at Huffington – they asked only 15,000 women. There are high schools bigger than that. Probably.

  4. ‘Number Eight was Scotland for being “too loud.”’

    Ok so thats a problem? Well maybe on a man. Australian of both Irish and scottish roots, so apparently I’m a screamer and I’m good.

    But seriously, makes me wonder if it was a survey of men rating women… how many people would die in the aftermath of that?

  5. now I don’t know who I want to fuck the most – Tag Larkin or Nathan Fillion… but I’d sure like to see a penis that could give me a good hammering

    • The Nurse should play some odst on her xbox then… thats not meant to sound filthy.

  6. I am glad that us South Africans made it to number 6. Maybe because we are still in the dark ages here, that we have learnt to do things better in the dark.

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