It’s like Road House, except with more box munching

October 7, 2009

Samurai Cathy has settled into her new job as a bouncer down at ClamLappers, our local lesbian bar. But not without a few issues…

“We can’t have you chopping off the hands of patrons,” says owner Gwendolyn Lucida-Console (no, she’s not the heir to the Lucida Console font family fortune, her maiden name was Console and she married her life partner Harriet Lucida in Massachusettes last year).

“So you want me to behead people?” says Samurai Cathy. “Because I thought that would be a bit much.”

“No, we don’t want you cutting off any body parts whatsoever,” says Mrs. Lucida-Console.

“But it’s what I do,” says Samurai Cathy. “Why would you hire a samurai to be your bouncer if you didn’t want her cutting off the limbs of unruly customers?”

“I was under the impression that the sword was decorative,” says Mrs. Lucida-Console. “I thought you would just unsheathe the sword a little to make someone think twice about causing trouble.”

“I don’t draw my sword unless I’m prepared to spill blood,” says Samurai Cathy.

“But spilling blood is not what we want happening in this establishment,” says Mrs. Lucida-Console.

“But my spilling of blood prevents an even larger spilling of blood,” says Samurai Cathy. “And it sends a message that this bar will not tolerate unwelcome behavior.”

“No one wants to dance on a floor cover in blood,” says Mrs. Lucida-Console. “And no one wants to come to a bar where patrons have their limbs severed from their bodies.”

“If they act as they should they have no reason to fear losing body parts,” says Samurai Cathy.

“You’re going to send my insurance through the damn roof if you keep this up,” says Mrs. Lucida-Console. “And then I won’t be able to afford your services anymore. So let’s save the hand-removal thing for really serious situations, okay?”

Wanting to stay employed, Samurai Cathy agrees. And the next night she takes her short knife from her belt and stabs a disorderly lesbian’s hand to the bar. While that doesn’t make Mrs. Lucida-Console happy, it doesn’t violate her pledge to not cut off people limbs.  And it gives Samurai Cathy a new fun story to tell her boyfriend Mikka.  He finds her stories about maiming people really hot.

cathy smallnote




  1. love the possibly related post on this one:
    “•Student Kills Intruder With One Blow From Samurai Sword”

    possibly? d’uh… and bet no one bitched at him about hurting business….

  2. gotta stamp out those disorderly lesbians

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