Giving a new definition to the phrase “Putting on a clinic”

October 8, 2009

“You’re younger than me, right?”  Anonymous Doug says.

“Yes I am,” I say.  We’re not sure on Anonymous Doug’s exact age, but it’s believed that Anonymous Doug is in his mid to late 40’s.  Possibly early 50’s.

“So when you were your teenage years, did your high school have a sex clinic?”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Because I know mine didn’t.”

“Sex clinic?”  I say.

“Yeah, some broad said something about it the other day in that big government place or something,” says Anonymous Doug.  And fortunately he can provide the quote in question…

“The bill goes on to say what’s going to go on — comprehensive primary health services, physicals, treatment of minor acute medical conditions, referrals to follow-up for specialty care — is that abortion? Does that mean that someone’s 13 year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus that night? Mom and dad are never the wiser.”

“Oh, that’s Congresswoman Michele Bachman of Minnesota,” I say, identifying the broad.  “Yeah, don’t listen to her.  She’s fucking nuts.  There are no sex clinics in the health care bills.  They’re just school-based health clinics.  They don’t provide abortions.”

“Well, maybe we should have sex clinics,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Maybe they’d teach these high schoolers how to fuck properly.”

“You mean porno’s not doing the job anymore,” I say.

“Apparently not because that girl I picked up at that homecoming game last week couldn’t give good head if you spotted her the first three letters,”  says Anonymous Doug.

“Be fair, they’re only 16,” I say.

“15,” says Doug.

“Even more so,” I say.  “It’s a skill acquired through experience.  No one just knocks it out of the box their first time under the bleachers or in the front seat of your Ford Taurus.”

“But they could if there were sex clinics,” says Anonymous Doug.

His argument is sound.





  1. access to video porn has to help… i mean, when we were learning, we had to use magazines, so we just tried to hold the same pose. for an hour or so. wasn’t the same…

  2. My life would be so much easier if I could have just learned it all at a sex clinic. Too much sharing? Too much sharing.

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