The Return of America’s Worst Lesbian

October 8, 2009

Mary Cheney (aka America’s Worst Lesbian according to Tina the Lesbian) is pregnant again.  They don’t say who supplied the sperm.  Maybe they had some left over from the first pregnancy.  I’m under the impression they sell viable sperm by the gallon, because buying in volume keeps costs low.  And supplying in volume is damn easy.

Anyway, this reminds Tina the Lesbian of how much she doesn’t like Mary Cheney so she needs to vent.  And if you’re buying the drinks I’ll let you vent as much as you want.

“What really gets me is that the story says she’s leaving her job to start a new communications company with her sister Liz,” says Tina the Lesbian, referring to the non-lesbian Cheney daughter.  “You may have seen Liz on TV defending waterboarding.”

“I may have,” I say.  “So a lesbian can’t go into business with her torture-loving sister?”

“What sort of clients do you think the daughters of a Republican Vice President are going to get for their communications company?”  says Tina.  “I’ll tell you what clients they’ll get… ones that won’t do shit for advancing gay and lesbian rights in America.”

“Well, Mary keeps telling whoever will listen that ‘there is no difference between children raised by same-sex parents and children raised by opposite-sex parents,'” I say.  “Maybe she’d take on some clients that would support that.”

“Liz is thinking of running for political office in the future,” Tina says.  “She won’t get out of the Republican primaries if she’s part-owner of a company that peripherally supports the concept of homosexual equality in anything.  Kiss that political career goodbye.”

“So Mary and Liz’s new company isn’t going to do shit for the gay community,” I say.

“And that’s why Mary Cheney continues to be America’s Worst Lesbian,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Now I know why you get along with Ninja Vicki so well,” I say.  “You two know how hold grudges.”

Then again, so do I.  There’s something cozy about a good grudge.  I’ve got a few I can’t let go of, because if I do it’s like I’m condoning the behavior or action that made me hold the grudge in the first place.





  1. i have a friend who is a log cabin (ie: gay) republican. can’t get my mind around it. he told me that he just wants gays to stop acting so gay. and he said this while crocheting a little doggie. in pink/purple yarn.

  2. Finally someone articulates cleanly and briefly what it is about a grudge that you HAVE to hold on to.

  3. I got confused at the double negative….

    • Yeah, I’ll fix that. Sometimes even I need an editor.

  4. I defend waterboarding as well, I just believe that I should be the ultimate decision maker in who exactly gets waterboarded.

  5. LESBIAN DOUBLE STANDARD: This week we had in-laws over for dinner. Inspired by Chuck we made our own pizzas, including a goat cheese, roasted butternut squash, arugula, olive oil pie…yum! yum! Anyway, over dinner conversation my wife was telling Grandma & Grandpa about how we got a free subscription to Showtime, and that we’re recording ‘The L Word‘, a drama about lesbians. My wife observed: “How come we hear about women who are sick of men and start dating other women? But we never hear a man say, ‘I’m sick of women! I think I’ll start dating men!’”

    • Because gay men go shopping with women, whereas gay women don’t watch football with men. A strange dynamic.

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