The guy who directed Home Alone gets a holiday?October 12, 2009
It’s Columbus Day here in America. In other places south of America today is Dia de la Raza, or as my loose knowledge of Spanish roughly translates it: “The Day When Spainards Came To Our Shores And Cut Off Our Hands If We Didn’t Give Them Enough Gold.” Also Canada has their Thanksgiving today, which I assume is where they give thanks for Spaniards not murdering them.
Anyway, Columbus Day is only a Federal holiday, so most of us still have to go to work. Unless you’re one of the 200,000+ people who lost their job last month. Then it’s like a continuous federal holiday that you’re trying to escape from before you can’t pay your rent and are thrown out into the streets to be murdered by Spaniards.
It’s a weird holiday, this Columbus Day, because people celebrate it for different reasons. For some it’s a celebration of the discovery of the New World. For others it’s a time to celebrate Italian heritage, which I find odd because I would have thought Leonardo Da Vinci would be a better bearer of Italian pride. Then again, Da Vinci never crossed the Atlantic Ocean with a band of murderous Spaniards in his employ, and that sort of thing trumps being an awesome painter and inventor. At least it does in America.
But mostly Columbus Day is for department store sales because Columbus Day has to tide our retail giants over until Black Friday in late November. Halloween really only helps candy-makers and costume shops. And Mischief Night only helps egg manufacturers and toilet paper companies. So it’s a good time to get that sweater vest or cardigan for the murderous Spaniard in your life at a great price.
(Note: Tag Larkin toilet papers people’s houses with used toilet paper. This is a step up from previous years when Tag Larkin would leave a bag of poop on a neighbor’s doorstep and then set the house on fire. Tag Larkin is an innovator.)
You may have noticed a recurring theme in this post, and I’ll explain it. Long-time readers will recall that I work for Portuguese Intelligence. But did you ever wonder why the most dangerous intelligence agency in the world would be in Portugal? Because it’s right next door to Spain, where murderous danger lives! The hot women and beautiful culture are there to distract you from the murderous danger hidden within. Iran? North Korea? A smokescreen for the easily fooled! We take our watchful eye off Spain for one second and BOOM! Worldwide Guernica.
(Yes, I have been drinking the stuff under my sink all day. What’s that got to do with anything? Don’t try to change the subject, Barcelonian Pig-Dog!)
So if you know of no other way to celebrate Columbus Day, use this one: be extra vigilant, for murderous Spaniards may be looking to stab you in the neck. Or go buy some stuff that’s on sale. They’ve never stabbed anyone in a JCPenney… yet.