NASA implements the Tag Larkin Program against the MoonOctober 13, 2009
Renal Readers may recall a few months ago that Tag Larkin announced his intentions to fight the Moon. Apparently NASA heard this declaration and decided to beat Tag Larkin to the punch, so to speak.
Last week NASA slammed a probe into the Moon to see if there’s water there, based on the debris that kicks up upon impact. In essence, we’re bombing the Moon. Needless to say Tag Larkin is pissed off about someone hitting the Moon first, but I was interested in what other people here at the bar had to think about it. Other people who won’t backhand you in the groin just for standing within arms’ reach.
“Take that Moon!” says Mikka. “If you think that just because you’re out in space that America won’t bomb you, think again. Venus, you’re next!”
“As someone who celebrates and draws energy and inspiration from the Moon, I find this highly distressing,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “I would assume the Moon Goddess would be highly displeased with having things slammed into her.”
“Hasn’t India been hitting the Moon with shit for a while now?” says Tina the Lesbian. “Is this part of some sort of lunar pissing match between the US and India? Don’t we have enough problems as a nation?”
“It’s like someone at NASA heard the song Bad Moon Rising by Credence Clearwater Revival and said ‘Not on my watch!” says Anonymous Doug. “Engineers are a strange lot.”
“If we blow up the Moon, all those dumb dogs will stop howling at it,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “I am for this idea.”
“You know the expression ‘must be a full moon out tonight,’ meaning that there’s a lot of crazy people around, right?” says Ninja Vicki. “No full moon, no crazy people.”
“Is this some sort of preemptive strike against Al-Qaeda’s army of werewolves?” says Samurai Cathy. “That without the full moon the terrorists can’t shift into wolf form? Is there a silver shortage? Because that’s all it takes to take down a werewolf. I’ve done it before.”
“Werewolves don’t need the Moon to shift, Catherine,” says Ninja Vicki. “Teen Wolf taught us that.”
“And the Moon doesn’t make people go crazy, Victoria,” Samurai Cathy says.
“Well, the Moon is a sort of conduit of spiritual energy,” Avonia the Wiccan Pimp steps in. “Some people can channel it into good works while others don’t do so well with its more chaotic attributes. It’s neither good nor evil.”
“That’s why we have to blow it up, so that no one channels the Moon’s energy into a chaotic mega-weapon,” says Mikka.
“Why can’t we make the Moon into a lawful mega-weapon, you know, for the forces of good?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Because the forces of good don’t make mega-weapons,” says Anonymous Doug. “That’s why the rebels in Star Wars didn’t have their own Death Star. Because it’s hard to be the good guys when you own something call the Death Star.”
“What about Voltron?” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “You can’t tell me a heroic robot made out of mechanical lions is not a mega-weapon for good.”
“It’s not the size of the Moon though,” says Mikka. “Voltron is clearly a counter mega-weapon, built only to take out the mega-weapons of evil.”
“So we need Voltron to destroy the Moon,” says Ninja Vicki.
“No one needs to destroy the Moon!” yells Avonia.
“Moon apologist!” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “How about taking the side of the celestial body you happen to live on for a change?”
“Hey, being for the Moon doesn’t mean being against the Earth,” says Samurai Cathy.
“Cathy’s on the side of Al-Qaeda on the Moon!” says Ninja Vicki.
This was the point that the fight broke out. Vicki and Cathy went sword-crazy. Bernie shot his laser at Avonia, who returned fire with lightning bolts from her fingertips. Doug and Tina ended up wrestling on the floor for some reason, probably so Doug could cop a feel. Mikka got grabbed by Tag Larkin and thrown through a wall.
We blamed the $3,500 in damages on the Moon. Just because the Moon is harsh mistress doesn’t mean she’s not liable.