All those sexual conquests will be lost in time… like tears in the rain…October 14, 2009
A sprained ankle has put me out of commission for my Jason Bourne murder classes, leaving me more time to go drinking.
“You know, I’ve never seen a foot tattoo that looked good,” I say to Anonymous Doug as we go into our fourth pitcher of Cocktoberfest Ale. “Arms and back… yeah, most of them work fine. Hell, I saw a guy with a dragon on the side of his head and I thought that worked great because he also had a bright pink two-foot high mohawk. But foot tattoos just don’t work.”
“Last night I think I fucked a replicant,” says Anonymous Doug.
“What?” I say.
“Replicants, you know, like from the movie Blade Runner,” says Anonymous Doug.
“Yeah, I know what they are,” I say. “But why do you think you fucked a replicant?”
“Because I don’t think this broad I banged could pass the Voight-Kampff test,” says Anonymous Doug. “That’s how vacant she was.”
“But you fuck vacant women all the time,” I say.
“This one wasn’t even smart enough to have empathy,” says Anonymous Doug. “She had all the stuff that humans have, but there just didn’t seem to be anything else behind her eyes. Her vapidness was more than palpable.”
“She could just be an awful human being,” I say. “A self-absorbed sociopath with no regard for anything but what’s she’s currently doing and the delusion that she is center of the universe.”
“No, I’ve fucked woman like that too,” says Anonymous Doug. “This one had even less humanity than them.”
We get about halfway through our pints before I feel ready to speak again. “So… you fucked an android…”
“And I’m not sure how I feel about that,” says Anonymous Doug.
“Well, she had the requisite parts,” I say. “I don’t think it’s anything to feel queasy about.”
“It’s not that I wouldn’t fuck a replicant, I just would like to know ahead of time,” says Anonymous Doug.
“Well, at least you don’t have to worry about getting an STD off her,” I say. “I never heard of anyone getting gonorrhea off a replicant.”
“And they don’t get pregnant either,” says Anonymous Doug. “Still, I’d like to know ahead exactly what I’m jamming my dick into. Preferably before I handcuff her to the headboard.”
Don’t we all… don’t we all…