Ninja HealthcareOctober 15, 2009
Did you know being a ninja is a preexisting condition according to the insurance companies (so is being a cop, being pregnant, or being a victim of domestic violence)? So Ninja Vicki can’t get health insurance coverage. But instead of waiting for a public option for healthcare like they have in those godless Marxist wastelands of socialist sodomy like Canada, Britain, and Israel, Ninja Vicki has come up with her own plan… the Ninja Option.
“Say you’re dying of something terminal,” says Ninja Vicki. “All the doctors can do for you is try to make you comfortable as you wither and die. How much does that cost?”
“Depends on how long you hold out for, what drugs and procedures and machines they use on you,” I say.
“Well, whatever it costs, I’ll put you out of your misery for half that,” says Ninja Vicki.
“So you’re offering euthanasia for half the cost of living out your remaining days in bed-ridden agony?” I say.
“Oh it’s better than euthanasia, it’s Ninja Euthanasia,” says Vicki. “Did you know I can deliver a death blow to someone and they’d never feel it? You could be sleeping and I could stab you through the back of your neck and you’d never know I just killed you.”
“And with the money you make from this, you’re going to put it towards your own healthcare needs, eh?” I say. “But do you think there’s enough terminally ill people out there that would be interested in having a ninja kill them in their sleep?”
I mentally note that getting killed by a ninja would actually be a really cool way to go out, but I keep that from Vicki.
“I could also do it while they’re awake,” Ninja Vicki says. “Like they could go walking in the park and I could drop out of a tree behind them and do it. But if you’re really sick, chances are you’re not going to do a lot of walking.”
“But is there a big enough market for ninja-based euthanasia just based off of terminal cases?” I say.
“There’s also people who get fucked over by their insurance company,” says Ninja Vicki. “Say you get word that your insurance isn’t going to cover your treatments for whatever disease you have. What are your options? Go hopelessly into debt? Bankrupt your family? Die in financial ruin? What if there was another option?”
“The option of being murdered by a ninja,” I say.
“Will your life insurance pay out if you die from an illness?” says Ninja Vicki. “Maybe, maybe not. But they will definitely pay if you are murdered.”
“They don’t pay if you arrange for someone to murder you,” I say.
“And how will they know that?” says Ninja Vicki. “I don’t keep records and I only deal in cash. ”
“Well, what if someone actually wants to live?” I say. “They get a disease, they get dropped by their insurance, but they want to live.”
“That’s something ninjas cannot help you with,” says Ninja Vicki. “You want to live, don’t call a ninja.”
Ninja Vicki is her own Death Panel.