Game Theory Will Keep Us Together

October 20, 2009

Math is important in understanding how men think.  The secret is knowing what equation your guy is working on in his head at the time.  For example, if you’ve been dating a guy for awhile and you ask him “where is this relationship going?”, and he gets evasive and weird, it’s usually because he’s busy crunching the numbers for the following equation  (Please note that it has not been peer reviewed and I’m better at bullshit than at math by a sizable margin)…

Solve for z where 1 is a constant for “still getting laid.”
Z/(x+y) = 1

X represents the sum of his issues with his woman.  Maybe she’s too clingy, maybe she has annoying tastes in music or movies, maybe she’s a hellbound Protestant whore.  Whatever.  Those are the problems he has with her.

Y represents the sum of his issues, whatever they are.  Maybe he’s got a fear of commitment, maybe there’s leftover baggage from a previous relationship, maybe he’s got two mistresses and a wife and kids two towns over that he doesn’t want you to find out about.  Whatever.  Those are his problems.

Now you can’t change x or y, and that’s where z comes in.  Z is a course of action or conversation that exists to reconcile these issues to equal the magical constant of 1.   It could be a simple phrase like “let’s just take our time” or “I don’t want to rush things.”  It could be a distraction like a bouquet of flowers or a weekend away.  Or a million other ways to say or do things that try to thread the needle of  “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship with you but I still want to tap that ass.”

Or spelled out:

what it will take to maintain the status quo/(his issues with her + his own issues)= still getting laid

But as “still getting laid” is a constant, the higher the value for (x+y) becomes the more you have to put into z, and it may get to a point where it’s not worth solving for z anymore.

This is why it’s so hard most of the time to get a solid coherent answer out of a guy when you ask him the “where is this relationship going” question.  You just sprung a math pop quiz on him.  You’re hitting him with  “where is this relationship going?” (or y) and if truly doesn’t know where it’s going  or if he has no intention of expanding it past its current point (or x) he is forced to solve for z becaue if he doesn’t he can say goodbye to the sweet constant of a.

Anonymous Doug uses this equation all the time.  He’s like John Forbes Nash, except instead of being schizophrenic he gets a lot of pussy.

Women use this simple equation as well sometimes, but they generally have more variables and the operation gets really complex for someone like me who hasn’t taken a math class in 12 years and has subsequently forgotten everything about that freshman Calculus class in college he took that first semester (I do remember it allowed me fulfill my math requirement in one semester rather than two, and that’s all that mattered).

This equation does not apply to Tag Larkin because you can’t solve Tag Larkin.  You can try but you’re not going to like it when he plots the cosine of his fist through your face.





  1. this is publishable in many refereed scientific journals… but it gives away too many man-secrets, don’t you think?

    • There are no man-secrets… just man-facts that people don’t want to admit are real.

  2. This equation is different for married guys.

    Where the question is:

    infinity * (The square root of pi) = ability to get laid.

    Un. Solvabale.

  3. This explains something, though I’m not sure what — maybe just why I’ve discovered a fondness for engineers. They are probably better at solving these problems and hence less difficult to deal with when the question comes up.

  4. hey, that fits right along with my “Rule One/Rule Two” theory. maybe we should combine efforts and co-publish?

    ah, hell, let’s just go drink heavily and ogle the women…

  5. Forget the relationship going anywhere. I just want to get laid without having to travel too far

    • Story of my life, nursemyra. Story of my life.

  6. There really are no woman-secrets either. It’s pretty straightforward. Remember these three rules: (1) You have never met anyone like her. (2) You might think that she didn’t notice, or that she’ll forget: but SHE TOTALLY NOTICED AND WILL NEVER FORGET. (3) Do not apologize for small things. Ever. ALWAYS apologize for big things.

    And now you know.

  7. And I’d imagine the female equation is more quadratic.

    Shit, I’m all about this right now.

  8. Shut up, me.

    • Your enthusiasm for the subject is both admirable and alluring.

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