Which amendment gives me free broadband?October 21, 2009
There was a court ruling in Finland recently that said that broadband internet access was a legal right. I needed to speak to my authority on Finnish matters about this immediately.
“Finland is just awesome like that,” says Mikka. “We have Lordi, we die more from drinking than anything else, and now all of us have the right to high-speed internet access. Fuck your American dial-up bullshit!”
“But is internet access something that we want to assign as right-worthy?” I say. “Food, shelter, education… I can see those being rights. But I don’t think the ability to check my Gmail account in at an expedient speed is on that level.”
“On the contrary, internet access has become just as vital as anything, and I’ll prove it,” says Mikka. “Could you go a week without Internet access?”
“No,” I say. “But if you ask a heroin fiend whether he could a month without smack he’d say no too, but that doesn’t make heroin a right.”
“The Internet does more than heroin,” says Mikka. “You can research anything on the Internet. You can buy anything off the Internet. You can communicate to almost anyone on the Internet. It is an empowering tool and those without it are lost in a knowledgeless analog wasteland, hindered by the limitations of the flesh-world.”
“Yeah, that’s a lot more useful than heroin,” I say. “And without the Internet, Renal Failure wouldn’t exist. Or maybe it would but only in the form of manic scribblings in a notebook that no one else would ever read.”
“And without the Internet, there’d be no Corset Friday,” says Mikka. “Or kitten videos.”
Well, I’m convinced. Broadband internet access truly should be a legal right, and once again Finland shows how awesome they are.