Tag Larkin Is Not Coming For Dinner: Part ThreeOctober 28, 2009
Our investigation of the Halloween murder of Tag Larkin has taken a turn for the magical as Avonia the Wiccan Pimp has been implicated by a suspicious Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.
“Why would I want to kill Tag Larkin?” says Avonia. “I barely have anything to do with Tag Larkin.”
“Except for that time he kept interrupting you like he was Kanye West,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.
“I’m going to kill someone over that?” says Avonia.
“Victoria’s killed people for less,” says Samurai Cathy.
“But my soul isn’t empty like Ninja Vicki’s is,” says Avonia. “I’m a healer, not a killer.”
“Then how do you explain why there’s no blood or visible wound on Tag Larkin’s body?” says Mikka. “It has to be witchcraft.”
“The body is face down,” says Avonia. “We haven’t turned it over. The wound could be on his front.”
“Still no blood,” says Bernie.
“Maybe that’s because he was hit with something that cauterized the wound immediately after inflicting it,” says Avonia. “Something like that laser cannon that comes out of your hip, Bernie!”
“That is malicious slander!” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, his tail getting all bushy.
“Bernie does want the human race to die so that the cats can take over the world,” says Mikka. “With Tag Larkin gone, who could stop them?”
“Hey! Dan’t ya be accusin’ me Bernie a’ killin’ Tag Lark’n!” Marlie says.
“We can accuse you too if you’d like,” says Anonymous Doug. “Someone had to distract Tag Larkin while Bernie took aim and fired at him.”
“I say we flip Tag Larkin over and see what’s on his front,” says Tina the Lesbian.
So we all get rubber gloves from the cleaning closet and carefully roll Tag Larkin over to see that there’s no marks on his front.
“See… I told you it was witchcraft,” says Bernie.
“Maybe he was poisoned,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.
“And you’d know all about poisons,” says Ninja Vicki.
“But I didn’t hand Tag Larkin his last snifter glass of rainwater and grain alcohol,” says Avonia. “Tina the Lesbian did!”
“And Tag Larkin has been known to stand outside Tina’s house, serenading her with his boombox,” says Anonymous Doug.
“Looks like someone…” I say, putting on my sunglasses, “put a stop to the music.”
To be continued…