Tag Larkin Is Not Coming For Dinner: Part FourOctober 29, 2009
Tag Larkin remains dead at his own Halloween party, but the accusations are still flying about his possible killer. So far we’ve pointed a finger at Ninja Vicki, Samurai Cathy, Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat and his wife Marlie. Right now we’re accusing Tina the Lesbian.
“I didn’t poison Tag Larkin,” says Tina. “I don’t know anything about poisons.”
“What’s to know?” says Ninja Vicki. “Poison goes in drink, drink goes into Tag Larkin. Shark’s in the water. Our shark.”
“Hey yourself!” says Ninja Vicki. “I didn’t hear a peep from you when everyone was accusing me of murder. Where was my best friend then?”
“I don’t see Tina as someone who’s into poisoning people,” says Mikka. “If anyone here is an expert of slipping things into people’s drinks, it’s Anonymous Doug.”
“Yeah, but that’s only in girls’ drinks,” says Anonymous Doug.
“But… who would be a more efficient killer than a ninja?” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “How about a man you can’t remember?”
“Anonymous murderer!” I yell while pointing at Doug.
“At this time I would like to appropriate one of Ninja Vicki’s defenses, except this time it won’t sound retarded,” says Anonymous Doug. “If I killed Tag Larkin, and I know everyone forgets I exist after I leave the room, why the hell would I still be around?”
“Because you can’t get off the island until the ferry comes in the morning,” says Samurai Cathy.
“But I could hide in this vast mansion and you’d never find me because you wouldn’t remember to look for me,” says Anonymous Doug.
“He’s got us there,” says Ninja Vicki. “Who’s left to accuse?”
“No one’s accused me yet,” says Mikka. His statement is met with derisive laughter.
“Feckin’ hell, Meeka, I cauld be passed aut drank as shite and ya still cauldn’t kill me,” Marlie says. “Yer a wee sprite of a pixie. Fack, I’ve yanked out tampans meatier than ya.”
“Could you not emasculate my boyfriend in front of me?” says Samurai Cathy. “He’s got enough issues as it is.”
“Hey, what about you?” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, pointing a paw at me.
“What about me?” I say.
“You could have killed Tag Larkin,” says Tina the Lesbian.
“No, that would be stupid,” I say. “The narrator of the murder story shouldn’t end up being the murderer. It cheats the audience in my opinion.”
“You could be half-assing it with this story,” says Ninja Vicki. “You’ve phoned it in before, why not again?”
“Sometimes you just don’t have the time to write quality stuff,” says Avonia. “Sometimes you just want to put something up for the day and be done with it.”
“We all have bad days,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “This could be one of them.”
“So your theory on why I’m the one who killed Tag Larkin is that I might be in a creative rut?” I say.
“Well, it makes more sense than Mikka killing Tag Larkin,” says Anonymous Doug.
But just before Mikka could say something to feebly defend his manhood, we hear footsteps coming down the stairs.
“Wait, I thought no one else was here,” says Avonia. “Who the hell is that?”
“That, my friend…” I say as I put on a second pair of sunglasses over the sunglasses I put on before. “…is our murderer.”
to be concluded…