Tag Larkin Is Not Coming To Dinner: Part Five

October 30, 2009

Upon hearing the footsteps of the murderer coming our way, we hatched a plan to catch said murderer.  Ninja Vicki hides up on the ceiling, Samurai Cathy conceals herself against the wall near the entrance to the study.  Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat takes up sniper position by the couch.  Avonia casts an invisibility spell over the rest of us, which isn’t as good as Anonymous Doug’s original plan of having Marlie, Tina the Lesbian, and Avonia making out by the fire to lure the murderer in unawares, because murderers in horror movies can’t resist killing the participants of such wanton displays of lust.  But the ladies weren’t down for being girl-on-girl-on-girl bait.  Even on Halloween.

And so we took our places and listened as the footsteps on the hard wood floors thundered closer.  We saw a dark figure enter the study, but the shadows obscured his features.  He had something in his hands, something cylindrical, which we took as the murder weapon.  When he got to the center of the room where the body was Samurai Cathy threw on the lights and Ninja Vicki jumped down from the ceiling.  Swords were drawn, hip-mounted laser cannons were deployed, even Tina the Lesbian had a golf-club in hand.  But though our trap had been sprung, it was we who were surprised.

“It can’t be…”  Ninja Vicki said, staring down her blade at the suspected murderer.  “You’re…”

“Tag Larkin!”  everyone said in unison.  Sure enough, there stood Tag Larkin alive and well in a smoking jacket with a tall boy of beer in hand.

“Then who the hell is that dead body on the floor next to you?”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, giving Tag Larkin that sideways look cats give people when they can’t figure something out.

“Oh, that’s Tag Larkin Two,” says Tag Larkin.  “Tag Larkin got himself cloned last week as part of Tag Larkin’s master plan.”

“Your master  plan was to clone yourself, invite us all out here to your secluded mansion, murder your clone, and then reveal yourself as the murderer?”  says Anonymous Doug.

“No, Tag Larkin’s master plan was to plot the ultimate murder mystery night for Halloween,” says Tag Larkin.  “And Tag Larkin has succeeded in stumping all of you.  Victory is Tag Larkin’s!”

“How were we supposed to know that this Tag Larkin was a clone?”  says Avonia, pointing at the dead body.  “There was no clue that would have led us to that conclusion.”

“Oh, but you’re wrong,” Tag Larkin says, taking a guzzle of his tall boy.  “The body should have been the first clue on who Tag Larkin’s murderer truly was.”

“Huh?”  says Marlie, face scrunched in confusion.  “I dan’t get it.”

“Is this like in Empire Strikes Back when Luke fights Vader in that cave on Dagobah and Luke sees his face under the Vader mask?”  says Mikka.

Tag Larkin stands up on one of the couches and strikes a pose.  “There’s only one man who can kill Tag Larkin, and that’s Tag Larkin.”

“How did you even kill him?”  says Ninja Vicki.  “There’s no sign of violence.  No blood.”

“Tag Larkin killed him with his awesomeness,” says Tag Larkin.

“So we spent the last couple posts calling each other murderers and fearing for our lives just so you could have a murder mystery party and introduce another one of your stupid Tag Larkin sayings?”  says Tina the Lesbian, really pissed off.

“Tag Larkin also had planned a giant buttery orgy afterward in the observatory,”  says Tag Larkin, jumping down from the couch.

“What the hell were you thinking, Tag?”  Tina the Lesbian says.   “We were about to rip each other apart because we thought one of us killed you.   Why the hell did you think this was a remotely good idea?”

Tag Larkin puts down his tall boy on the coffee table.  “Because Tag Larkin didn’t want to be alone on Halloween again…”

And everyone falls silent for a few moments until…

“You know what…no,  fuck you, Tag Larkin!”  says Tina the Lesbian, even more furious.  “This was a real shitty thing to do.  I get lonely too, but you don’t see me growing a clone and killing it for my own amusement.  I don’t make my friends think one of them murdered me.  This sort of bullshit is why you’re alone on Halloween and every other night of your life, Tag!  So fuck you, I’m swimming home.”

And everyone watches in slawjacked amazement (which is like slackjawed amazement except more so) as  Tina the Lesbian storms out of the study.  Ninja Vicki eventually runs after her.  Once they’re out of sight, Tag Larkin sits down on the couch, elbows on his knees, looking contemplatively into the fire.

“This throws off the male/female ratio for the orgy,”  Tag Larkin says with a sigh.

“I think we’re going to swim home too,” says Mikka.  Samurai Cathy takes his hand and follows him out.

“Um… they’re my ride…” says Avonia, hurrying after them.

“I can build a raft aut af sam’ mattresses,” Marlie says.

“Good, because I’m flying home with my kitty rocket boosters,” says Bernie.

“Well, this has become a sausagefest…” says Anonymous Doug.  This leaves me and Tag Larkin alone.

“Where did you get the cloning machine?”  I ask.

“The same place Tag Larkin got the 40-gallon drum of butter for the orgy,” says Tag Larkin. “Want to help Tag Larkin eat his dead clone?”

What would Halloween be without a bit of cannibalism?  At least there’s plenty of butter.

Happy Halloween!





  1. Awww…. so you and Tag got it goin’ with the butter and the corpse? That’s adorable…

  2. “Where did you get the cloning machine?” I ask.

    “The same place Tag Larkin got the 40-gallon drum of butter for the orgy,” says Tag Larkin.


  3. It’s always sad when a carefully planned butter orgy is not as popular as you feel it should be.

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