Test LarkinNovember 4, 2009
Ninja Vicki has a computer. Stolen, of course. She uses it mainly to load up her stolen iPod with Euro-dance (though I’m trying to get her into some Feather Healer; Vicki is big in synthesizers). But she doesn’t have e-mail and she’s not on Facebook, so she can’t do all those quizzes and surveys and tests that people do to determine which member of the Justice League they are or what color their soul is or which Harry Potter character are you most likely to give a rimjob to. This means I have to hand-deliver such quizzes to her.
“The Tag Larkin quiz?” says Ninja Vicki, reading the quiz’s title. “Find out how much like Tag Larkin you are.”
“All you have to do is read each of the 20 statements and decide how much it applies to you,” I say. “Put a zero if it doesn’t apply at all, a one if it sort of applies, and a two if it totally applies. If you score over 30, you’re Tag Larkin.”
“Okay… Question one… Glib and superficial charm…” says Ninja Vicki. “I’ll put a zero there.”
“Yeah, Samurai Cathy says you have the charm of a sebaceous cyst,” I say.
“Question two…” Ninja Vicki says with a growl. “Grandiose self-worth. Maybe a little. I am a ninja. We’ll say one on that. Question three: Need for Stimulation or Proneness to Boredom…”
“You’re a ninja, so that’s a two,” I say.
“Question four: Pathological lying… wait a minute…” says Ninja Vicki, who then starts flipping ahead to the other questions. “Conniving and Manipulativeness… Poor Behavioral Controls… Lack of Remorse or Guilt… Impulsivity… Irresponsibility…”
“Don’t forget Promiscuous Sexual Behavior,” I say.
“This isn’t a test to find out if someone is Tag Larkin,” says Ninja Vicki. “This is the test to find out if someone is a psychopath.”
“Can it be both?” I say.
“Dude, you can’t be giving this test to people,” says Ninja Vicki. “You’re not qualified for this sort of thing.”
“I already gave it to Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat and he scored a 38,” I say. “He got a zero on the Many Short-Term Marital Relationships question because he’s only been married once.”
“Well, cats are one of nature’s prominent psychopaths,” Ninja Vicki says. “Right up there with sharks, snakes, and swans.”
“So this test will tell you whether you are a cat, a psychopath, or Tag Larkin?” I say. “That’s pretty cool.”
“No, it’s not cool,” Ninja Vicki says. “I remember being forced to take this test in high school.”
“Then let’s see if you do better this time around,” I say.
Ninja Vicki scored a 20, the same score she got in high school, so she is not Tag Larkin. Or a cat. Or Tag Larkin if Tag Larkin were a cat. I wonder if Tag Larkin has a cat. Cat Larkin.