Can’t hit a home run if you’re not in the game

November 5, 2009

So I’m at our fisherman-themed local bar, the Bass-to-Bass with Anonymous Doug, and I’m disappointed that the jukebox doesn’t have any Feather Healer, especially their pinnacle album “Twenty-sided Die: The Roll of Destiny.”  So I decide to get drink until every song sounds like them.  Instead I get drink until I start spouting poorly-thought out random ideas that pop into my head for who knows what reason. Like… 

“I think if I were a woman I’d be a slut,” I say.   For the past few hours we’ve been drinking pitcher after pitcher of Dingo Stout.  It got this name because the alcohol content is so high that if a pregnant woman were to be within five feet of it being poured, they would no longer be pregnant.  And then someone will yell “The Dingo took your baby!” and we’d all laugh and laugh.

“Hell, you’re a slut now,” Anonymous Doug says to me.

“Really?”  I say. “I thought guys can’t be sluts because of the double standards set up by society, thanks to Lance Patriarchy?”

“For the sake of this discussion, let’s assume things are actually equal in this world,”  says Anonymous Doug. 

“Okay,”  I say.  “But I still don’t think I’m a slut because the fact that I haven’t touched a girl since Obama’s inauguration would say otherwise.”

“You’re a slut without opportunities,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Given the chance you would be a total slut.  So would most people.”

“I’d like an explanation on this,”  I say.  The words are slurring together at this point, like I’m Marlie. 

“Okay, give me your instinctual answer for these questions,”  Anonymous Doug says, pointing across the bar at a blond woman.  “Would you have sex with her?”

“Yeah,”  I say.

“And the chunkier brunette friend next to her that she brings along to make herself look better?”  Anonymous Doug says.

“Yeah,”  I say.

“And that whole table of hot messes over in the corner?”  says Anonymous Doug.

“Yup, all of them,”  I say.  “From the strung-out college drop-out in the arm sling to her 43-year old friend in the jean jacket.”

“The 43-year old is actually only 31,” says Anonymous Doug, not proud that he knows that fact first-hand.

“Really?  31?”  I say.  “That’s rather unfortunate.”

“So you wouldn’t do her?”  says Anonymous Doug.

“No, I’d still do her,”  I say.  “But that’s just sad she looks so much older than she really is.  I mean, 40 may be the new 30 and that’s hot, but you should at least get to be 30 in your 30’s.  Does that mean she looked 30 when she was 19?  That could have gotten her served alcohol while underage without getting carded, I guess.  But still… she’s going to look 70 when she hits 50.  You gotta feel bad for her.”

“You get over that quick when she starts talking to you,” says Anonymous Doug.  “But the point stands: the only thing keeping you from being a slut is opportunity.  And maybe self-respect and concern for your personal health.  But the potential is there.”

“So I’m a slut in the same way that there were WMD’s in Iraq,”  I say.

“You’re a slut of mass whorishness program-related activity,” says Anonymous Doug.

“So what does that make you?”  I say.

“Considering no one will remember me, does it really matter?”  says Anonymous Doug.

Probably not. 





  1. if i’d have been born with a dancers body, i’d have been a stripper. well, i’d have been one fucked up looking baby, too….

  2. I think if I were a man I’d be a raging douchebag.

  3. I’ve got a “Slut” t shirt RF. Come on over and let’s try and get it on you

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