Splitting the Uprights

November 10, 2009

It used to be a lot of things long ago.  It used to be TV stations actually went off the air at some point in the night.  It used to be you could only buy Feather Healer’s pinnacle album Twenty-Sided Die: The Roll of Destiny on vinyl from Romanian gypsies in an opium den.  And it used to be that no groin was safe from Tag Larkin.  But now someone is infringing on Tag Larkin’s territory…

In British Columbia there’s been a rash of groin-kickings in a park by some woman.  One guy got kicked so hard his testicle ruptured and had to be removed.  He’s getting an artificial nut for Christmas, which we think was the original title of that “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth” song but was changed because the social scolds at the time turned a blind eye to scrotum trauma.

If our memory serves us right (and that’s a coin-flip considering our alcohol intake) our old Renal Failure regulars Raincoaster and Timethief are in BC, and as such must be considered suspects, if only to make them comment here and proclaim their innocence, and say hi to us.

But we’re not just casting baseless accusations at our Western Canada audience.  We’re looking at the women of Renal Failure to determine whether or not they are the mysterious groin-kicker.

“Yeah, I could kick someone hard enough to make their nut explode,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “But why would I do that when I can just stab a dude in the back of his neck?”

“I would never open with a kick to the groin,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “Later in the fight, of course.  But the samurai code prevents me from going around and punting guys in the crotch like I’m in an episode of Jackass.”

“They never told us in my self-defense class that testicles could rupture from a kick to the sack,”    says Tina the Lesbian.  “That is awesome.  But no, my lesbian sisters and I do not fight the oppressive heteronormalcy of the patriarchy with random groin shots.”

“I hit a guy who owed me money in the balls with my pimp broom once,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “But I’m not going around kicking men in the crotch.  I’m not sure what the 3-by-3 retribution for that would be for me.  Three kicks in my crotch?”

“Yah, tha’ sands lake sam’thin’ I’d due,”  says Marlie, who is sporting a Jameson’s Irish whiskey IV drip because she’s in a rush today.  “A penalty kack right’en tha yarbles… tha’s ha’ I usta greet paepel back en tha day.  Fack, I steel due.  A’right… ya gat me.  Take me en and tell Bearnay ta get me bail maney ready.”

Lucky for most of the Renal Roster the groin assailant was described with brunette hair.  Marlie and Cathy are redheads.  Tina is a blonde, and so is Ninja Vicki when she’s not dying her hair with stuff she’s stolen from the local store.  Our only true brunette is Avonia.

So, gentlemen, until this groin kicker is found please refrain from standing square to anyone.  Or if you must be square to someone, stand like you’re a soccer player on a wall for a free kick.  An ounce of prevention is worth your left nut.

vicki smallnote




  1. trailer park justice allows a drop kick to a ballsack as an opening shot. however, the man must have done something to deserve it… granted, that could simply be giving your dog the stink eye, but it can never be without provocation…

  2. That’s just nuts!

  3. any one of those blondes or redheads could be disguising themselves with a brunette’s merkin….

  4. Given that my motto around the gym is “If I kicked your ass, you’d know it,” I feel I should reinforce the understanding that I am fifty-five this month, red-haired, and located on the Atlantic Seaboard.

    However, considering how it still seems to be a given that women walk around at night with their antennas out for local rape artists, there’s something heartwarming about the idea of men having to feel that apprehensive concern for violence directed at their tackle.

    • We’ll be on the look out for “Take Back the Nut” rallies.

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