Tag Larkin marches in any damn parade he wantsNovember 11, 2009
It’s Veterans Day in America, which is sort of like Memorial Day without the day off, or the barbeque picnics and getting drunk to Feather Healer. You put on track four off their Roll of Destiny album, “Verdant Tempest of Fire,” and I’m unbeatable at beer pong.
Anyway, there’s the yearly Veterans Day parade here in town, which gets smaller every year because our older veterans are dying and our newer veterans are too busy looking for work to spend a day marching in a parade. And then there’s the yearly fight between the parade committee and Tag Larkin on whether Tag Larkin can march in the parade, which gets worse every year for obvious reasons.
According to government records, Tag Larkin has never served in any capacity in any branch of the United States military. There’s not even a record of Tag Larkin applying to join the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard, or even the Post Office.
“Tag Larkin stormed the beaches of Normandy!” Tag Larkin says. “Tag Larkin sewed up the wounded in Korea! Tag Larkin played Russian roulette in a POW camp in Vietnam!”
The parade committee informs Tag Larkin that he was not old enough to be in any of those conflicts when they occurred. To which Tag Larkin immediately replies: “Tag Larkin is eternal.”
Then Tag Larkin goes onto describe how he and Patrick Swayze drove Russian forces out of the heartland of middle America in the 1980’s, and it becomes apparent that Tag Larkin has once again confused things he’s done with movies he’s watched. Sure enough, his Netflix history says he’s watched Saving Private Ryan, M*A*S*H, The Deerhunter, and Red Dawn all within the past week.
Unfortunately when the committee points this fact out to Tag Larkin, they neglect to see that Tag Larkin also had Invasion of the Body Snatchers on his Netflix history, giving Tag Larkin the idea that the Veteran’s Day Parade Committee had been replaced by pod people.
It was after Tag Larkin was forced to drop his bicycle chain and flee from police that a new delegation was added to the Veterans Day Parade, walking under the banner of “Veterans of Tag Larkin.” Now there might be more people in the parade than watching it.