Can suicide not be painless in your case?

November 12, 2009

As part of the Humorbloggers.com Fight Against Injustice month…

Here in my older, less angry years I find suicide to be a senseless act with no redeeming qualities, so I don’t advocate it.  Except for one particular area…

Financial industry fuck-cancers.

It’s well documented here at Renal Failure that I long for the day most of the financial talking heads on CNBC and Fox Business try to hitch a ride on the Hale-Bopp comet on camera (I don’t get the Bloomberg channel here, so I can’t say whether they should all take a ride to Jonestown and try the fruit punch).   So when ex-CEO of CitiGroup John S. Reed who engineered the creation of Citigroup (which is now 32% owned by the US Treasury) and helped repeal the Glass-Steagle Act that helped create the economic fuckstorm we’re currently in pops up to say he’s sorry for doing all those things… well,  I lament the fact he didn’t punctuate his apology with his lips around the barrel of a shotgun and his toe propped on the trigger.

(Side note: There is no truth to the rumor that two kids killed themselves while listening to Feather Healer.  No way do you want to kill yourself when you’re rocking that hard.)

This choice quote from Johnny Fuckstain infuriates the shit out of me:  “When you’re running a company, you do what you think is right for the stockholders. Right now I’m looking at this as a citizen.”

Like you weren’t a citizen before, you pap smear.  You don’t stop being a human fucking being just because you run a company.  The stockholders could think using dead kittens as condoms while ass-raping orphans is a smart business move, but no one will applaud you when you strap poor dead Mittens to your cock and hold down little crying Abigail on a dingy mattress in your basement.

If this was Japan we’d be seeing John S. Orphanfucker hanging himself from the branch of a cherry blossom tree or plunging a cermonial knife deep into his stomach.  Japan has an epidemic of businessmen killing themselves.   Why doesn’t America have this?  Why aren’t Goldman Sachs assholes disembowling themselves?  That would open up some jobs and allievate unemployment.  Golden guns, not golden parachutes.  Your severance package is a revolver with a chambered bullet and a check for your family that can be cashed upon that bullet going through your skull.

I leave financial fuckwits as my exception to my anti-suicide advocation stance because they cannot do penance for what they’ve done, even if one of those psychopaths can get it through their heads that they royally fucked up.  John S. Reed is sorry for what he did, but what can he do about it?  What sort of contrition can he do to atone for his transgressions?  Nice guy?  I don’t give a shit.  Good father?  Fuck you. President Lyndon Johnson kept his ass out of Hell for the Vietnam War by getting the Civil Rights Act passed.  What does John S. Destroyer of Futures have up his sleeve?  Not a damn thing.  What’s Alan Greenspan going to do for realizing too late the fundamental flaw in his asshole philosophy that even an underachieving drunk like me could fucking see from a mile away?  Not a damn thing.  Because financial fuckwits only know one thing: how to be financial fuckwits.  And raping orphans with dead kittens on their cocks.  Okay, two things.

I think our economy will only revive upon the mass suicides of financial fuckwits like them.  Only then will people feel confident about spending money again.  So come on, financial fuckwits!  You love the free market so much, how about dying for it?  I’ll buy a flatscreen TV if Ben Stein will slit his wrists on it.





  1. OMFG – You read my mind… there are a few others I’d add in though…

  2. that’s quite a rant RF

  3. there is no honor in banking…. send in the ninja…

  4. “If this was Japan we’d be seeing John S. Orphanfucker hanging himself from the branch of a cherry blossom tree or plunging a cermonial knife deep into his stomach. Japan has an epidemic of businessmen killing themselves. Why doesn’t America have this? Why aren’t Goldman Sachs assholes disembowling themselves? That would open up some jobs and allievate unemployment. ”

    You are simply fucking brilliant!

    • Yes, I think this makes more and more sense with every passing day of more unemployment.

  5. Perhaps this can be shown in a course on corporate executives and ethics in the workplace?

    • Sorry but considering I was surgically disemboweled it’s painful for me to watch such…

  6. Obviously what was right for the stockholders was the wrong decision as well.

    Pap smear. Every single goddamn time you write it I crack up.

    Also: So are you going to give us a goddamn Feather Healer song or are you just going to continue taunt us? Cock tease. I want fucking lyrics and I want ROCK and I want it now.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: