It’s Like “My Dinner with Andre” except with more fistfights

November 18, 2009

Because Ninja Vicki wants to avert a national tragedy of catastrophic proportions, she is attending her scheduled date with Tag Larkin at Codependent’s Brewery and Steak House.  And per Tag Larkin’s request to wear something nice, she’s wearing her low-cut ninja top, though she can’t figure out why for the life of her she would do that for Tag Larkin.  But she did.

Tag Larkin meets Ninja Vicki outside of Codependent’s with a single violet in hand, instead of a tallboy of Schlitz or Pabst Blue Ribbon.

“How did you know I like violets more than roses?”  Ninja Vicki says, accepting Tag Larkins flowery token with a smile.

“Tag Larkin knows things,”  says Tag Larkin, opening the door for Ninja Vicki.  They get seated without incident, much to Vicki’s surprise.  “Tag Larkin suggests the prime rib.”

“I’m not paying thirty-five bucks for meat, no matter how good it is,”  Ninja Vicki says, seeing the price on the menu.

“Tag Larkin has you covered.”

Ninja Vicki flinches, like something just smacked her in the forehead.  “Wait… did you just say you were paying for dinner?  But I thought Tag Larkin always goes dutch?”

“Tag Larkin plays by his own rules,”  says Tag Larkin.  “Now to drink, Tag Larkin suggest the Porter to start, and then a switch to their Pilsner during dinner as to not overpower the succulent flavor of the steak.”

“Wow, you actually know your beer,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Considering all I ever see you drink are tallboys or forties, I would have never thought of you as a beer connossieur.”

“There’s a lot of things about Tag Larkin you don’t know,”  says Tag Larkin with a raised eyebrow.  “Did you know Tag Larkin finds you stunningly beautiful tonight?”

That got a giddy giggle from Ninja Vicki and there was some warmth in her cold ninja heart, if only for a moment.  Then as the waiter came over to take their orders, her self-loathing kicked back in.

Wait a minute.  What are you doing, Vicki?  Ninjas don’t giggle like some love-starved Twilight fangirl.  And you’re being giggly over Tag Larkin! What the hell is going on?  And why hasn’t Tag Larkin hit anyone yet?  Is this really Tag Larkin?

“Tag Larkin will let his lovely date order first,”  Tag Larkin says to the waiter.

Ninja Vicki draws her sword and places it to Tag Larkin’s neck.  “All right, who are you, and what have you done with the real Tag Larkin?”

The waiter looks shaken, but Tag Larkin’s remains stoic as ever.

“Perhaps she needs more time to choose her entree,”  Tag Larkin says to the waiter, who scurries away.   Tag Larkin then turns his attention to Vicki and the sword at his throat.  “Look, this is getting Tag Larkin good and horny, but can Tag Larkin eat something first?  We’ve got a long night ahead of us and Tag Larkin will need his strength.”

“No, something is wrong here,”  Ninja Vicki says.

“If this is wrong then Tag Larkin doesn’t want to be right,” says Tag Larkin.  “Even though Tag Larkin is always right.”

“First you were almost disgusted to be near me at the food court,”  Ninja Vicki says.  “Now you’re treating me like a princess.”

“Would you prefer skipping dinner, jumping in my car, and going to back to Tag Larkin’s place?”  says Tag Larkin.  “You can rock out to the new Lady GaGa single on Tag Larkin’s iPod.”

“Ooh, I love Lady GaGa,”  Ninja Vicki cooed, then snapped back to being suspicious, more so now.  “Wait, how do you know I like Lady GaGa?”

“Tag Larkin knows things.”

“You seem to know too many things, Tag Larkin,”  Ninja Vicki growls.

“Uh… uh… abort mission!  Tag Larkin away!”   And Tag Larkin overturns the table, knocking the sword from Vicki’s hand, and then he runs out the door, leaving Ninja Vicki sitting confused in the middle of the restaurant.  Strangely enough, this is not the worst way she’s had a date end on her.

To be continued…




  1. Yeah, sad to say I’ve had dates end on worse notes as well…

  2. I think I dated Tag Larkin in the 80’s.

  3. hey! when i went out with ninja vicki, it was NOT a bad ending to that date, no matter what she’s told you. sure, i forgot the ‘safety word’ and got a little exuberant, but she still seemed to be having a good time.

  4. ah the mysterious Tag Larkin… how my heart aches for him

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