I would have thought Keyser Soze to have better taste in music

November 20, 2009

At 8:35, the lights went down in Theater 21 at the Colonial Ultraplex movie theater for the showing of New Moon.  At 8:45, the film inexplicably catches fire and the theater goers are forced to evacuate.  Among them are Tina the Lesbian and Samurai Cathy.  As they come outside, they see Ninja Vicki and Avonia the Wiccan Pimp waiting for them.

“Vicki?”  Tina says.  “What… What are you doing here?”

“Where else would I be?”  Ninja Vicki says accusingly.  “On a date with Tag Larkin perhaps?”

“Maybe, yeah… I mean, no…” Tina the Lesbian stammers.

“Cath, would you excuse my friend and I for a few moments?”  Ninja Vicki says to her archenemy.  “We have a matter of great importance to discuss.”

Samurai Cathy shrugs and lets Ninja Vicki lead Tina the Lesbian around the side of the movie theater to talk in private.

“It was almost a perfect plan, Tina,”  Ninja Vicki says.  “Getting Tag Larkin to go out on a date with me so I would be out of the way when you put your ill-fated moves on Samurai Cathy.  You got him to play on my tendency to only like men who don’t like me.  You fed him vital information like my anti-rose policy and my taste in music.  You even got Tag Larkin to suppress his Tag Larkin tendencies, if only for a little while.  But you forgot one little thing…”

“And that is what?”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“My self-loathing and low self-image wouldn’t allow me to believe Tag Larkin was truly interested me,”  Ninja Vicki says, a smirk creeping over her face as she remembered Tag Larkin calling her stunningly beautiful.  “Though to be fair, he came very close.”

“All right, Sherlock Vicki, you got me,”  Tina the Lesbian says.  “I knew you’d never let me escalate my designs on Samurai Cathy, so I recruited Tag Larkin to keep you busy for the evening.  He owed me for that Halloween Murder Mystery bullshit he pulled.  So I told him exactly how to court you… all your likes and dislikes…  I even gave him money to pay for your dinner.”

“I knew it!”  Ninja Vicki says.  “Tag Larkin always goes dutch.”

“I expected you to put these pieces together eventually,”  Tina the Lesbian said.  “But after the 8:35 New Moon showing.”

“You should have picked an earlier show,”  Ninja Vicki says.

“The 7:05 was sold out, damn 12-year olds and love-starved Twimoms,”  Tina the Lesbian says.  “So… now that you’ve exposed my plot, what are you going to do?”

“Nothing,”  Ninja Vicki says with a sigh.  “Except try to get you to understand how crazy you’re letting your crush on Samurai Cathy make you.  You can’t insure love through convoluted mastermind machinations like this.  And you don’t even like Twilight!  You’re turning into a LifeTime Movie of the Week villainess here.  It’s not healthy.”

“Maybe you’re right…”  Tina the Lesbian says.  “Maybe I’ve become obsessed.  But it’s been so long since I last clicked with someone.  And I feel a connection with Cathy I don’t feel with anyone else.”

“How about this… I  promise I won’t get upset if you two hang out together, and you promise to stop trying to get Cathy to turn gay for you,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “I think that’s fair, right?”

“All right, you’ve got a deal,”  Tina the Lesbian says.  “One question… why did you bring Avonia the Wiccan Pimp here?”

“I needed someone to start a fire to get you out of the theater,”  Ninja Vicki says.  “Plus Avonia really hates Twilight.”

They return to the front of the movie theater where Avonia is regaling Samurai Cathy with tales of how the Twilight series is the worst thing to happen to young girls since MTV’s My Super Sweet Sixteen (Avonia also refers to the Twilight Series as a multi-volume bag of sadness).  And Samurai Cathy agrees, which is why she wants to hunt down all the sparkly daywalker vampires, should they ever become real.  That and the author wish fulfillment and blatant Mormon overtones skeeve her out as well.

And so the quartet of girls go out to a nearby bar for drinks, where they find Tag Larkin waiting  inside with four flowers in his hand, each one the favorite of Avonia (yellow lily), Cathy (purple lotus), Tina (blue rose), and Vicki (violet).

“You’re right on time…”  Tag Larkin says.  “Just as Tag Larkin planned all along.  For why settle for one woman when Tag Larkin can have four!  Now who wants to come back to Tag Larkin’s place and break some furniture with our love?”

The ladies all force yawns, mutter something about calling it a night, and leave in a hurry.  Tag Larkin uses the four flowers to pick up a quartet of college seniors down the bar from him to break his furniture in the act of coitus.  Just as Tag Larkin planned.




  1. Tag Larkin wins the day

  2. Dear lord what have I missed?

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