Considering we thought we’d all be dead at the beginning of 2000, we’re doing okayDecember 1, 2009
It’s December and we’re thinking about New Year’s Eve because it’s less painful than thinking about Christmas. And since it’s the end of the decade, we’re thinking about what we did for New Year’s Eve back in 1999.
“Not sure where I was, but I had a girlfriend at the time,” I say. “And to think, the decade started off so well…”
“I was probably out robbing houses of people who went out to celebrate the new millennium,” says Ninja Vicki. “I think that’s how I got my first DVD player.”
“I was at a bar because no one ever remembers to invite me to any New Year’s parties,” says Anonymous Doug. “Lot of desperate girls that year wanting a New Year’s kiss. And considering I was drunk by 3pm that day, I was blindly willing to oblige. Emphasis on blindly.”
“College friends, lots of box wine, probably some crying,” Tina the Lesbian says. “Every odd New Year’s Eve tends to be like that for me.”
Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat doesn’t have a story because he’s only seven years old in human years. His wife Marlie doesn’t have a story either because years of severe alcoholism have rendered her unable to remember anything before 2002.
“I hadn’t gotten into Wicca yet, so I didn’t have a coven to drink with,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “I think I was probably working on a catering crew for some New Year’s gala, serving veal marsala to rich assholes, hoping that Y2K thing was real so we’d all die in some cataclysmic event.”
“I was in a bunker in North Dakota with a survivalist family who thought Y2K was going to cause a nuclear holocaust,” says Samurai Cathy. “Those survivalist families… the worst conversationalists ever.”
“Marathon Goldeneye tournament with friends,” Mikka says, referring to the classic Nintendo 64 shooting game. “Deathmatches until the sun came up. Sad, I know. But at least this year will be better, right Cath?”
“Yes, rub it in a little more why don’t you, you fucking happy twat. Your bliss makes me want to wretch my meal and torch the earth.”
It takes me a few seconds to realize I just said all that out loud, as everyone is silently staring at me with that “Did he just say what I think he said” look on their faces.
“Um… did you know Tag Larkin celebrates New Year’s any damn day he wants?” I say, trying to change the subject. “So Tag Larkin is actually living in the year 29, 822.”
No, that didn’t work.