Deep Blue never killed a mouse and left it in your shoe

December 3, 2009

I’m still hanging out with Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat and I read that IBM says they’ve got a supercomputer program that is more complex than the brain of a cat.  My expert on the issue strongly disagrees.

“IBM is full of shit!”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.   “There will never be a computer smarter than a cat.  There will be a computer smarter than a human before they make one smarter than a cat.”

I believe my Playstation 3 is already smarter than a good segment of the human population, but I keep that to myself because I don’t want to encourage Bernie.

“I threw up a hairball on the carpet today and Marlie cleaned it up,”  Bernie says.  “And later she spooned out some Fancy Feast for me.  Let’s see a computer be smart enough to vomit on a rug and still get fed.”

“IBM is saying that they’ve put together a program that’s more complex than the feline brain, not that it’s necessarily smarter,”  I say.

“The cat brain is the most complex system to ever evolve on this planet,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “You think we’re sleeping for 19 hours a day, but we’re really contemplating the truths of the universe while we’re curled up on the couch or sprawled out on the floor getting sun on our tummies.  And unlike you biped fleshbags, we get answers.”

“Yeah, but you won’t share those answers to the universe with anyone else,”  I say.  “Jerk.”

“We do share it… through nuzzles against your leg, getting our whiskers in your face at 5am, that time we pissed on the welcome mat…”  says Bernie.  “Your human minds are just too primitive to interpret them correctly.  But what can we expect from a species who believes in Intelligent Design, right?”

“Yeah, humans do not reason very well,”  I say, taking out my laser pointer.  “But at least it takes more to trick us than this.”

I turn on the laser pointer and aim it at the floor.  Bernie sees the red dot and jumps at it.  “Son of a bitch, it’s back!  I gotcha you bastard!”

I run the red dot up the wall so Bernie has to jump for it, and then he falls down behind the couch and gets all flustered.  Red Dot may be the only thing keeping the cats from taking over.




  1. so if i take a laser pointer into the room that houses the blade server system at work, i could have things dicked up for a month? nice….

  2. RF, you gotta stop giving daisyfae ideas

  3. I had a computer that vomited on the rug regularly (my first; she was called Lucrezia Borgia). Well, the computer equivalent of same, given the messes she made. In the end she was cannibalized slowly for parts, and one day I found a mouse nest next to her motherboard. Poetic justice?

  4. You should get one of those Red Dot laser pointers with caps shaped like Christmas trees or paws or something. That’ll throw him. Red Dot is evolving.

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