My Super Decade… Directed By Peter JacksonDecember 10, 2009
Because we’ve spent the last three days saying how much this decade sucked, we’re taking today to discuss what could be arguably the best thing that happened this decade with our local superhero Crimson Paraplegic.
“They finally were able to make really good superhero movies this decade,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “Spiderman, Spiderman 2, Iron Man, The Incredibles, Watchmen…”
“Don’t forget Batman Begins and The Dark Knight washing away the shame of the Joel Schumacher Batman movies from the 90’s,” I say.
“And everyone in the superhero community is thankful for that because now we didn’t have to worry about some idiot putting nipples on our costumes,” Crimson Paraplegic says, referring to the nipples on George Clooney’s batsuit in Batman and Robin.
“Well… to be fair this decade also had a bunch of bad superhero movies,” I say. “Those Fantastic Four movies weren’t very good. The third X-Men movie was rushed and flat. And that Superman Returns movie didn’t impress anyone either.”
“I consider that collateral damage for all the awesome movies we got,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “It’s like how nuclear power is awesome, but it also produces toxic waste.”
“X-Men Origins: Wolverine is some collateral damage,” I say. “Because man did that movie suck.”
“But at least the first two X-Men movies kicked ass,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “And that gives all of us in the superhero community a lot of hope that if Hollywood ever decides to make a movie about one of us that they won’t fuck it up.”
“Who would you want to direct the Crimson Paraplegic movie?” I ask. “Christopher Nolan because his work with the Batman movies?”
“Actually I’m sort of against that idea,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “I didn’t like how he handled the only major female character in both films. Yeah, I know you can’t do much with Katie Holmes, but Maggie Gyllenhaal is actually a good actress. I’d like to see Darren Aronofsky do a superhero movie. I believe he was originally supposed to do Batman Begins but didn’t for whatever reason.”
“A Darren Aronofsky superhero movie would be the most uncomfortable superhero movie ever,” I say. “Oh, it will still be really good, but you’d just be drained after watching it.”
“I could also go with Sam Raimi,” Crimson Paraplegic said. “He did two good Spiderman movies, which is two more than anyone thought he could. Or Jon Favreau since Iron Man was so good.”
“If Uwe Boll calls you up, hang up the phone,” I say. “No, in fact, burn the phone. Or Michael Bay. Don’t take his call either.”
“Say what you want about Michael Bay, but that guy knows two things: how to blow shit up and how to make money,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “And if a Crimson Paraplegic/Michael Bay movie makes more than some other director and Radiant Gale’s movie, then I’m all for it.”
The 2010’s might just be the decade of Crimson Paraplegic.