Resolution Failure

December 15, 2009

Regular readers of this blog may remember last December that I tricked Ninja Vicki into making a New Year’s resolution, namely to get help for her many problems but mostly the ones stemming from Mikka dating Samurai Cathy.  Well, we’re getting down to the end of 2009 so let’s see how that’s gone…

First in January, Ninja Vicki asked her good friend Tina the Lesbian if she knew any therapists she could threaten because she wanted to steal therapy time in keeping with her vocation of being a ninja.   Tina had to tell Vicki that wasn’t the way to establish a good doctor/patient relationship, and that she didn’t know any therapists.

Then in February Ninja Vicki decided to take a holistic, alternative approach to curing depression by asking Avonia the Wiccan Pimp if she had any spells or herbs that could help her.  Avonia said that real healing begins with facing your problems head-on and talking to someone about them.  Unfortunately Avonia unwittingly volunteered to be that person for Ninja Vicki, who then would show up at 3am in Avonia’s window for some soul-searching chats, which Avonia put an end to rather quickly.

March showed promise as Ninja Vicki joined a therapy group and tried acupuncture.  But she didn’t really join the group; she just hid in the ceiling and snuck down to steal donuts and coffee during the sessions.  Also, when the acupuncturist came near her with a needle, Vicki’s ninja instincts took over and she crushed his throat.

Things weren’t looking good until April when Ninja Vicki finally found a therapist.  But in that first session on the path to healing Vicki threw a knife into her therapist’s chest.  When will people learn not to make sudden suspicious moves around ninjas?

After that experience Ninja Vicki gave up on her quest for mental health, a decision we think led directly to her actions regarding Tina the Lesbian’s crush on Samurai Cathy.   The highlights of that saga include Vicki breaking her word not to tell anyone by asking Anonymous Doug for advice and then taking Doug’s advice by trying to get Tag Larkin to have sex with Cathy so Mikka would break up with her… all of which culminated in Tag Larkin pulling his old Say Anything boombox serenading bit on Tina’s front lawn and Anonymous Doug offering Tina a 17-year old goth girl looking to experiment, which would have ended in disaster for Vicki if Doug didn’t have a heart-to-heart afterward with Tina to tell her that Vicki was just trying to be a good friend.

“Well, technically I did fulfill my resolution to get mental help,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “It’s just that said mental health failed miserably vs. my issues.”

“Are you going to try again next year?”  I ask.

“Not at all,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “You know how people say you find love when you’re not looking for it?  I’m going to apply it to mental health.”

“So you’re planning on blindly stumbling across the solution to your self-esteem and vulnerability problems in 2010?”  I say.

“I figure I will kill less people by accident that way, yes,” says Ninja Vicki.

Ninja Vicki resolves to have a body count with a higher percentage of deserving victims in 2010.




  1. she should get a public service award for her contribution to the greater good for 2009…

  2. I roomate of mine once stayed up all night doing shots of Rumple and trying to unpack the phrase, “ninja mother fucker.”

    I was dating a woman with a child at the time and we were trying to figure out who would have to become a ninja in order for me to be said ninja mother fucker.

    I could not be the fucker of a ninja’s mother, nor could I be a mother fucking ninja.

    No, only if my girlfriend became a ninja, thus being a ninja-mother, would I then be a ninja-mother-fucker.

    You are thus enlightened.

  3. ‘Ninja Vicki resolves to have a body count with a higher percentage of deserving victims in 2010’

    I admire people who are ambitious… and can wield swords…

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