The stars at night are gay and brightDecember 16, 2009
So Houston recently became the largest American city to elect an openly gay mayor in Annise Parker. This comes as a relief to Tina the Lesbian, as she’s been starving for any good news regarding the quest for homosexual equality in recent months.
“If frickin’ Houston can elect a gay mayor, that opens things up everywhere else for gays,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Well, maybe not Alabama…”
“So is Houston going to be the San Francisco of the South now?” I say. “Will there be a vast gay migration there?”
“We’re not geese,” says Tina the Lesbian. “But I do think it will help Texas finally come out of the closet.”
“Texas is secretly gay?” I say.
“It has to be with all those cowboy hats and snug jeans,” says Tina the Lesbian. “And those big Texan belt buckles… they’re pretty much advertisements for other dudes to look at your package.”
“Yeah, those things do sound gay,” I say.
“And that unofficial motto of ‘Everything’s bigger in Texas” sounds like something they stole off a gay bar,” says Tina the Lesbian. “It’s an entire state centered around trying really hard to hide their gayness.”
“That’s explains why they execute so many people in Texas,” I say. “They’re all like ‘See, we can’t be gay. Would gays send this many people to the electric chair? Don’t think so!'”
“Hell, it explains the Bush presidency,” says Tina. “W was all like ‘I’m gonna invade Iraq to show you how not gay I am.’ It’s better than the twenty other rationales given for that war.”
“I was going to argue that the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders don’t support this Texas is gay claim,” I say. “But they’re the perfect beard.”
“Besides, they love high school and college football more than the NFL in Texas,” says Tina the Lesbian. “It’s big young men in tight capri pants tackling each other. And every year the older ones leave and the new freshmen come in.”
Don’t mess with Texas, because you might accidentally stumble upon that stash of gay porn they’ve been hiding.