Two Years of Finn-on-Samurai LoveDecember 17, 2009
This is the second anniversary of Mikka and Samurai Cathy’s first date, much to the well-documented consternation of Ninja Vicki. But it is amazing in this particular social circle to have two people dating for so long considering the rest of us are either married (Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat and Avonia the Wiccan Pimp) or hopelessly single (Ninja Vicki, Tina the Lesbian, & me). Anonymous Doug just has women he’s fucking, because what kind of relationship can you have with either a man you forget about as soon as you lose sight of him?
Well to be fair, Tag Larkin dates a lot, but most of the time those women don’t even know they’re dating Tag Larkin until they come home one night and find him waiting on the couch surrounded by rose petals and empty tallboy cans with Purple Rain playing on the stereo and a Catholic schoolgirl uniform in a shopping bag waiting on the coffee table because Tag Larkin knows knee socks are dead sexy. The cops refer to this call as a “TAG-14,” denoting there are at least 13 other variations of this they’ve filed reports on.
“So, what’s the secret to your success?” I ask Samurai Cathy. I know Mikka that would give the answer that most guys would give to this question: either “She’s not insane” or “We have great sex.” Mind you, they’re both valid answers, but I’m looking for something a little deeper in the interests of filling out this post.
“Well, it hasn’t been all smooth sailing for us,” Cathy says. “There are the societal emasculation issues inherent in dating a swordswinging, ninja-slaying samurai warrior woman. But we figured a way around them.”
“How’s that?” I say.
“Mikka has a slip of paper in his wallet,” says Samurai Cathy. “Whenever his manhood is questioned or challenged for whatever reason, he just looks at the piece of paper and it stops that bullshit right away.”
“And what does the paper say?” I ask.
“You get to fuck a samurai,” says Cathy.
“Yeah, that would work for me,” I say. “Anything else?”
“There’s also the security in his knowing that I won’t cheat on him because I’d have to commit ritual suicide afterward for my dishonor,” says Samurai Cathy. “And also that I know he won’t cheat on me because then I would have to kill him, myself, and the woman he cheated on me with.”
“That’s in the samurai code?” I say.
“No, but Mikka doesn’t know that,” says Samurai Cathy. “I mean, I trust Mikka completely, but it never hurts to have insurance.”
“I would have never thought the threat of a ritual murder/suicide would actually be a good thing in a relationship,” I say. “Shows what I know about dating.”
“I also think it’s because we’re completely different people, Mikka and I,” says Samurai Cathy. “I mean, we like a lot of the same things, but it’s what we don’t have in common that really make our relationship work so well. We fill in the gaps in each other’s lives.”
“Like how he’s a skinny geeky Finnish guy who can quote Monty Python movies verbatim and plays video games for hours on end and you’re a well-disciplined killing machine who fears no man,” I say.
“Well… there was that time I came home to find Tag Larkin on my couch…” Samurai Cathy said. “I believe that was the first and only time I’ve ever called the police.”
Correction: Samurai Cathy fears no man except Tag Larkin, especially when Tag Larkin is surrounded by tallboy cans and rose petals.