If Chuck Norris wants to blow up a plane, who’s going to stop him?

January 4, 2010

The most dangerous threat America faces is Ninja Vicki.  I translated this message from something stupid MSNBC’s Chris Matthews said last week in the aftermath of the guy who tried to blow up a plane with a bomb in his underwear:

“And I think we have got to get serious about catching terrorists, not just catching weapons. I‘m waiting for the terrorist who knows kung fu or something that gets on an airplane without a weapon. God knows what that is going to be like.”

Now obsessive readers of Renal Failure will remember that I don’t much care for Chris Matthews (who we determined looks like a wifebeater and not a child molester), especially after that time I caught him jacking off on live television to pictures of Republican presidential candidates.  That’s why we told that pollster that we would only support a candidate for President if he or she would stab Chris Matthews in the throat (we also would have settled for Tim Russert, but he died of non-throat-stabbing related ailments so it’s no good stabbing him now).  And that’s something I’ve been at odds with the Obama administration for: their lack of a stabbing Chris Matthews in the throat policy.

Anyway… so Chris Matthews is afraid of Al-Qaeda using martial arts masters to blow up airplanes, which means Chris Matthews is afraid of Ninja Vicki blowing up airplanes because Ninja Vicki is awesome at hand-to-hand combat.  But Ninja Vicki is not flattered by Chris Matthew’s 7-layer burrito of dumb.

“Yeah… because after years and years of disciplined training and hard work I’m just going to blow myself up,”  Ninja Vicki says while rolling her eyes.  “Doesn’t that asshole on MSNBC know that they only use nobodies as suicide bombers?  You don’t send the important people out with bombs on their chests.”

“You send out the expendable people who have nothing to live for,”  I say.  “Tell ’em they’ll get 70 virgins if they do it.  Hell, most of them would settle for 35 virgins and running water.”

“Also airplanes are not the best place to fight,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “It’s cramped.  Barely any room to maneuver.”

“Those aisles aren’t big enough to roundhouse kick someone in the head anyway,”  I say. “And no one is going to karate chop one of those drink carts in half either.”

“And how many people are on a full flight?”  says Ninja Vicki.  “One hundred?  One-fifty?  Even fifteen people coming at an unarmed karate master in such close quarters are going to overwhelm him.”

“So you’re saying Chris Matthews is a fucking idiot for being afraid of martial arts experts like yourself blowing up planes?”  I say.

“I’m saying Chris Matthews should be more afraid of ninjas coming through his bedroom window in the dead of night than ninjas trying to ignite bombs in the bathrooms of airplanes,” says Ninja Vicki.  “And yes, Chris Matthews is a fucking idiot.”

I ask Ninja Vicki if she wants to join my letter-writing campaign to President Obama to encourage him to sign an executive order to have Chris Matthews stabbed in the throat.  Ninja Vicki says she can just do that herself, but I tell her she lacks the political gravitas to make that stabbing mean something larger than just some dumbass getting shivved in the neck.



  1. thirty five virgins and running water”? send them to a world of warcraft convention…

  2. I find some airplane aisles surprisingly roomy, with ample room for all that judo I’ve been learning.

  3. Speaking of which, why didn’t the shoe bomber or the underpants guy blow their bombs up in the bathroom where no one could see them to stop them?

    Also, I got randomly selected for extra security at the airport this past weekend. Those full body scanners make the plate in my head vibrate.

  4. we need Ninja Vicki as an air marshall. THEN i’d feel safer in the air.

  5. are you telling me that running water in Paradise isn’t a given?

  6. […] because of posts like this, “The Dalai Lama Houses Jesus At Golf,” and this, “If Chuck Norris blows up a plane, who’s going to stop him?” and even this, “If you look to your left, you can see the Great Lakes. If you look to […]

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