The Dalai Lama houses Jesus at golf

January 5, 2010

I was watching TV the other day for more coverage of the unending menace that is Tiger Woods’ cock (did you know Tiger Woods’ cock killed a bunch of CIA agents the other day?)  and I came across  FOXNews’ Brit Hume commenting about Tiger Woods, specifically the topic of Tiger recovering as a person from having sex with hot women who weren’t his wife:

“The extent to which he can recover seems to me depends on his faith.   He is said to be a Buddhist. I don’t think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption offered by the Christian faith. My message to Tiger is, ‘Tiger turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.'”

So I check in with my spiritual expert Avonia the Wiccan Pimp for her thoughts on this.

“Actually Buddhism is very forgiving from what I know of it,” says Avonia.  “More so than Christianity considering there is no hell in Buddhism.”

“And I would think redemption in Buddhism is more from within than from without,”  I say.  “Unless like in most sects of Christianity where you can only be saved through Jesus, like he’s some sort of spiritual Oxy-Clean that will get out your toughest stains.”

“So that’s why I think of Billy Mays when I see most preachers on TV,” says Avonia.  “Mainly this is Brit Hume wanting to get Buddhism into a dick-measuring contest with Christianity.”

Note: The religion/belief system with the biggest dick?  John Holmesism.

“And what if Buddhism is what makes Tiger Woods such an awesome golfer?”  I say.  “All that meditation and releasing yourself from the suffering of life could be why he hits those clutch putts.  He can’t convert.”

“I’m not sure what Buddhism has to say about sporting events,”  says Avonia.  “Though there’s that scene in Caddyshack where Bill Murray talks about caddying for the Dalai Lama, so I guess golf is all right.”

“What about Wicca?”  I say.  “Can Wicca make you a better golfer?”

“No religion makes you better at sports,”  says Avonia.  “Unless you create a religion centered around being good at sports.”

“Like if you made a Tiger Woods religion, the lower your score the closer to god you become,”  I say.  “Wicca should do something like that, considering both golf and Wicca’s closeness to nature.”

“I don’t particularly care for golf,”  says Avonia.  “You take a lush verdant bastion of nature and you only let assholes with clubs and polo shirts walk it, and just to smack a little ball into a hole in the ground.   I don’t see that as honoring nature, no matter how good the landscaping is.”

“But they care for their earth mother by fixing their divots,”  I say.

“If they cared for their earth mother they wouldn’t be making divots in the first place,”  says Avonia.  “And if Brit Hume knew anything about Buddhism or Christianity he wouldn’t have said what he said.”

Obviously Tiger Woods cock is to blame for that.



  1. As a Wiccan, how does Avonia know so much about all these other religions? Just wondering…

    …however, I like her (and yours) take on Britt Hume’s asinine comments and– on Tiger Woods’ cock. :)

    • It took Avonia a little while to find Wicca, and she’s rather open-minded.

  2. i wouldn’t fuck Brit Hume with Tiger Woods’ cock. Well, shit. Have to come up with something now that Bea Arthur is dead…

  3. then there’s that reincarnation thing… Tiger may come back as a Tag target.

  4. Tiger Woods needs to join the Renal Failure Fan Club and use his cock to filter impurities

  5. You know what else honors nature? Polygamy.

  6. […] what I have found is a blog I like, because of posts like this, “The Dalai Lama Houses Jesus At Golf,” and this, “If Chuck Norris blows up a plane, who’s going to stop him?” […]

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