Do they spell it Christmacz?January 7, 2010
Some friends of mine of the Eastern European persuasion wished me a Merry Christmas today. I first thought they might be drunk – it is 10am after all – but then I remembered in that part of Europe they’ve got the Orthodox Church and they celebrate Christmas on a different day. It’s got something to do with the old Julian calendar… or julienne fries… I don’t know, I sort of let my mind wander off on its own when it was being explained.
Anyway, this got me to wondering why Eastern Orthodox Christmas isn’t as big as the other Christmas we all know and get seasonal depression about. And the answer I came up with is that there is no War on Orthodox Christmas.
Usually around November or even October some screaming head on the radio or TV will bleat about Christmas being under seige because people say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Apparently this makes Jesus and Santa cry because they are prissy little bitches.
But if there really were a war on Christmas by godless secular progressive demons who hate freedom and Jesus and hot cocoa, why haven’t they touched Orthodox Christmas? And why is no screaming head in any media standing up to preemptively defend Orthodox Christmas from non-existent threats? Look, if you’re going to defend Christmas, you need to defend all the Christmases. Not just the ones you can use as a club to assert cultural dominance and satiate your impotent rage at the notion of not having to be a dickhead to people different than you.
Note: even as an atheist, I celebrate Christmas. But I celebrate it like our Founding Fathers did: I cross a river in the dead of night and shoot a bunch of Germans.
Anyway… it might be that our American holiday defense forces only have enough resources to protect one Christmas, and they’ve chosen the Christmas that is conveniently located near the end of the year so that stores can finish the year with profits instead of red ink for maximum capitalist impact. Hey, sacrifices must be made in wartime, especially if those sacrifices are made by non-Anglo-Saxons like the Greeks, Russians, and Slavs. But worry not, for when this War on Christmas is over surely there will be some sort of monument commemorating how Orthodox Christmas died so that the Western Christmas that makes more money would not perish from the Earth.