Do they spell it Christmacz?

January 7, 2010

Some friends of mine of the Eastern European persuasion wished me a Merry Christmas today.  I first thought they might be drunk – it is 10am after all – but then I remembered in that part of Europe they’ve got the Orthodox Church and they celebrate Christmas on a different day.  It’s got something to do with the old Julian calendar… or julienne fries… I don’t know, I sort of let my mind wander off on its own when it was being explained.

Anyway, this got me to wondering why Eastern Orthodox Christmas isn’t as big as the other Christmas we all know and get seasonal depression about.  And the answer I came up with is that there is no War on Orthodox Christmas.

Usually around November or even October some screaming head on the radio or TV will bleat about Christmas being under seige because people say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas.  Apparently this makes Jesus and Santa cry because they are prissy little bitches.

But if there really were a war on Christmas by godless secular progressive demons who hate freedom and Jesus and hot cocoa, why haven’t they touched Orthodox Christmas?    And why is no screaming head in any media standing up to preemptively defend Orthodox Christmas from non-existent threats?  Look, if you’re going to defend Christmas, you need to defend all the Christmases.  Not just the ones you can use as a club to assert cultural dominance and satiate your impotent rage at the notion of not having to be a dickhead to people different than you. 

Note: even as an atheist, I celebrate Christmas.  But I celebrate it like our Founding Fathers did:  I cross a river in the dead of night and shoot a bunch of Germans.  

Anyway… it might be that our American holiday defense forces only have enough resources to protect one Christmas, and they’ve chosen the Christmas that  is conveniently located near the end of the year so that stores can finish the year with profits instead of red ink for maximum capitalist impact.   Hey, sacrifices must be made in wartime, especially if those sacrifices are made by non-Anglo-Saxons like the Greeks, Russians, and Slavs.  But worry not, for when this War on Christmas is over surely there will be some sort of monument commemorating how Orthodox Christmas died so that the Western Christmas that makes more money would not perish from the Earth. 



  1. “But I celebrate it like our Founding Fathers did: I cross a river in the dead of night and shoot a bunch of Germans”

    I think I mentioned they still do that every Christmas day. Trenton is a dangerous place for Germans at Christmas…


    • Yes, you told me about the year they didn’t cross because the river was too treacherous, so that year we were all British again.

      But do they shoot Germans? That’s the important part.

  2. i have a headcold, and got lost about halfway through this… but have decided to try marketing Jesus Freedom Cocoa next christmas.

  3. It’s actually the Gregorian calendar. And it’s hard to hate on Orthodox Christmas because the services are too long. Besides, the Pope isn’t involved and I think that makes everyone a lot happier.

  4. It is our Christmas day because today is only Dec. 25th by the Julian (old) calendar. Merry Christmas to you.

    I don’t know about a war on our Christmas (the commies went under and we’re still here so I guess that one didn’t work),but even if it’s on, we are too busy eating great food right now so the “war on” types will have to go away or just pull up a chair and chow some glorious dinner.

    • Mm, describe the menu.

  5. There is no way I would fuck with the Hessians. They are big, scary motherfuckers. Dead of night or no.

  6. Rassles I’ve read about your fighting ability…. and I think it’s the Hessians who should be very afraid

  7. they don’t mess with Orthodox Christmas because most of them have no clue when that really is. the Orthodox do it right – – they celebrate their Christmas as it should be…not as a marketing frenzy of materialistic extravagance, but as a simple, heart-felt celebration of an important event in their religious calendar.

    so what did Tag get for Christmas? i’m ready to be envious…

  8. nice blog…

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