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29 Points of Compatibility… 29 Pressure Points That Can Cause Death

January 14, 2010

Long time readers may vaguely remember back in 2008 when Ninja Vicki’s mom got her a gift subscription to eHarmony  either for fear that her daughter would die alone or out of  her own impatience for Vicki to bear her grandchildren.  Well, Ninja Vicki finally got around to cancelling that subscription.

“I will say this in its favor: at no point was I emailed a picture of someone’s cock,”  says Ninja Vicki about eHarmony.  “So yeah, it’s better than the desperate pervert meat markets like Match.com or Plenty of Fish, but that’s like being better than cancer.”

Ninja Vicki’s mom, however, has not given up and has gone to Plan T.  T for Tag Larkin.

“Tag Larkin takes the direct route,”  says Tag Larkin in his new audiobook entitled “How to Get Sex the Tag Larkin Way (and develop an immunity to pepper spray).”  It’s not available in stores because it’s not actually an audiobook.  It’s just Tag Larkin coming to your house and yelling at you for 20 bucks, which Ninja Vicki’s mom has generously paid.  “Tag Larkin leaves nothing to be misconstrued.”

Indeed, no one has ever misunderstood what Tag Larkin has ever wanted.  When Tag Larkin is waving a loaded Glock around at the local Taco Bell, we all know it’s because they won’t honor the “Free Tako” coupons he made himself out of construction paper, markers, and glitter. 

“Tag Larkin will go up to a woman and tell her ‘What does Tag Larkin have to say to get you bent over his kitchen table?'”  Tag Larkin continues.  “It’s a rhetorical question of course.  Tag Larkin doesn’t have to say anything for you to bend over his kitchen table.  The only question is why are we wasting time talking when Tag Larkin could rocking your world.” 

And this is when Tag Larkin feels like using words to court a fine lass.  Usually he just points at a girl from across the room and then points at his crotch with a nodding smile. 

“Just remember the Tag Larkin dating creed,”  says Tag Larkin.  “Your pepper spray says no, but Tag Larkin’s cock says yes.”  

Note:  Tag Larkin’s book is also available on Kindle.  Well, not really.  Tag Larkin just takes a permanent magic marker and writes on your screen.

“I don’t think these tips are going to work for me,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “And neither is Tag Larkin’s chapter on stirring drinks with your penis, considering I don’t have one.”

“Tag Larkin says stop putting barriers in front of yourself,”  says Tag Larkin.  “Doubt, fear, restraining orders… they must be ignored.  But you know what can’t be ignored?  A firm grip on a crotch.  Walk up, latch on, feel around, and if you like it, take it.  It’s like shopping for produce, but it doesn’t go bad when you leave it strapped to your bed for a whole day. ”

I don’t think Ninja Vicki is going to talk to her mom in 2010… or possibly ever again.

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17 comments

  1. i have a $20 burning a hole in my pocket… how do i get my visit from Tag scheduled? i could use some help, here.


  2. “…at no point was I emailed a picture of someone’s cock

    well, time for me to get going on Match.Com and plenty of fish, i think….


  3. I can’t imagine Tag Larkin working with glitter


    • Tag Larkin knows glitter gets people’s attention. And he’s got a lot of it from the lap dances from strippers that sticks to him. Why let it go to waste?


  4. Once I printed up a bunch of fake Taco Bell coupons and handed them out in front of a bar to get people to come see my friend’s band. I left out the glitter, though.


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