I know what you’re thinking… did Christ fire six shots or only five?

January 21, 2010

Something didn’t sit right with me when I read this story about the hidden Bible quotes beings inscribed in the sights of rifles that the US military was using in Iraq (and giving to Iraqi soldiers).  It wasn’t the obvious covert proselytizing or the fact that it feeds into the notion that America is waging a Christian holy war against Islam that had me feeling off-kilter;  no,  it’s the weaponization of Jesus that has me concerned as seen in this quote from the article:

“Weinstein, an attorney and former Air Force officer, said many members of his group who currently serve in the military have complained about the markings on the sights. He also claims they’ve told him that commanders have referred to weapons with the sights as ‘spiritually transformed firearm[s] of Jesus Christ.'”

Maybe this is what Brit Hume was talking about when he implied Christianity had more to offer than Buddhism.  No one is making Buddha guns.

“So what do these Jesus guns have over regular guns?”  I say to my friend Black Jesus as we get a bite to eat before his bartending shift down at the gay bar starts.  “Can the bullets change direction in mid-air? Can they vaporize vampires on contact?  Do they turn blood into wine?”

“You know, I’m sort of numb to people using me as rhetorical club, but this Jesus gun thing is ridiculous,” says Black Jesus.  “I’m the guy who said ‘If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.’  I didn’t follow that up by saying ‘and then shoot that motherfucker from 400 yards with a high caliber round of the Ascension.'”

“But you did say ‘blessed are the peacemakers,'” I say.  “And the Colt Peacemaker Single Action Army .45 caliber revolver is greatest handgun ever made, which I learned by playing Metal Gear Solid on the Playstation.”

One of the verses noted in these rifle sights is John 8:12 which reads “Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”  I will assume without looking that John 8:13 follows up with “Except for that guy I shot in the lung who drowned in his own blood.”

Another verse found on these guns is Second Corinthians 4:6 “For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”  Which is probably followed by “And if you’ve got beef with that, Jesus will shoot you in the fucking face.”

“My point is that Jesus Christ and shooting people are two completely different things and they should never intertwine,”  says Black Jesus.  “Jesus will not endorse your gun, sorry.”

“If there was a gun that healed people when you shot them with it, could we call that a Jesus gun?”  I say.  “Like if you had cancer in your brain, and I held the Jesus gun to your temple and pulled the trigger… BOOM!  No more cancer.  Would that be kosher?”

“I told the people I healed that their faith had saved them,” Black Jesus says.  “Faith is not expressed by pulling a trigger.”

“So if I see a bumper sticker that says Who Would Jesus Shoot? then the answer would be no one?”  I say.   “That’s a shame, because I thought you’d be a really good shot.  Like you could put two shots center mass and one in the head like clockwork.  Or you’d be awesome with a sniper rifle.  Boom!  Holy Headshot!”

“Jesus has nothing to do with guns, or the outcome of sporting events either,” says Black Jesus.  “Except for when I helped make the Florida Gators lose to Alabama in the SEC Championship game.  Me and my Dad did that together, just to send a message to Tim Tebow that putting Bible verses on your eye black doesn’t mean the Lord is going to help you win a college football game. Maybe try sucking a little less, okay Weepy Von Cryerstein?”

That seems a bit harsh, but then I remember the Lord of the Old Testament was a real moody dickhead.  So compartively speaking, Tim Tebow got off really light.



  1. i wants me some Jesus brand hollow points to go with the scope. nobody be fucking messin’ with that… bring on the Allah AK-47…

  2. i bet Buddha’s got a BFG 9000 stashed in his robe.

  3. Holy Headshot – what sort of accent is that guy talking in?

    • I’m going to guess really bad Australian.

      • I have heard that a bad Australian is a good thing, in small doses.

      • Nope – it is most definitely not Australian. He seems to veer between South African and some very obscure British dialect.

  4. So I should get rid of my Jesus Round Bombs With Fuses.

    Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb.

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